This Burns My Heart Page 0,69

fact, he’s your hero now.”

“He got me out, didn’t he?” Min asked matter-of-factly.

Min would always be his father’s son, and side with him always, thought Soo-Ja. It was a battle she had lost. He would never be hers, and it was foolish to think she could be his.

“We shouldn’t be together anymore,” Soo-Ja said, letting the words hang in the air. “You know what I’m asking, right?”

Min took the napkin in front of him and started folding and unfolding it. He’d then smooth it out, looking at the creases. He never set his eyes on her, but she could sense his sadness, and it was black as tar. “After everything I’ve been through, you tell me this?” he asked.

“What about what I’ve been through?”

“You have another man?”

“No,” she said.

“You have another man,” said Min, looking at her for the first time. He tore the napkin into pieces, and he threw them aside, like confetti. “Maybe not in your arms. But in your heart.”

“There is no one,” said Soo-Ja firmly. “That’s not the reason I want us to separate. Maybe if we didn’t live with your parents, maybe then we could have a chance, but not like this. I can’t, Min. Our time together is over.”

“Why do you want to leave me?” asked Min, staring at her sternly.

Soo-Ja knew she had to tread carefully. Wives were rarely permitted to divorce their husbands without consent, and even if a judge allowed it, the terms—especially regarding the custody of children—were always in the husbands’ favor.

“Why do you want to stay with me?” Soo-Ja retorted, though she already knew the answer. She knew how much Min needed her. She was his lifeline. She had, however reluctantly or accidentally, given him love, and because he had never known it before, he could not let go, much like a baby who holds on tight to his mother with his strong fingers. Soo-Ja thought they were both unhappy—and they were—but she’d been naive to expect Min to want to get out of this unhappiness when for him, the other option was worse. But for a moment, as Min nodded, Soo-Ja softened, thinking perhaps this kind nod would be what she remembered him by, years later. She rose from her chair, ready to leave the restaurant, Min, and her marriage. “Good-bye.”

Suddenly, Soo-Ja felt Min grab her arm. The whistle of a kettle cut through the air, and the cook’s curses could be heard, as she swept away the boiling water overflowing onto the stovetop. “You can go, Soo-Ja. But you can’t take Hana with you,” said Min, rising slowly so he stood next to her.

Soo-Ja froze, and when she gazed into Min’s eyes, she saw a blank.

Min continued, their bodies almost glued together, the intimacy of lovers. “You know the law, don’t you?”

“The law?” Soo-Ja asked quietly. She almost couldn’t hear the words come out of her lips.

“The husband keeps the children,” said Min. He looked at her with the daunting gaze of a judge sentencing a prisoner, as if he knew he could create different destinies for her, and it was up to him to decide which one to give her.

“You have never once changed Hana’s diapers. You have never bathed her,” said Soo-Ja, trying to quiet the anger building inside her. Min still had his hands on her arm.

“My mother can raise her,” said Min casually, as if making arrangements for a weekend trip.

She fought back tears, and could feel her hands shaking slightly. “You wouldn’t do that to me,” said Soo-Ja, as her breathing grew more labored.

“I will never, ever let you keep Hana,” said Min. “You will never see her again.”

“Min, you can marry another woman. You can father another child, a boy.”

Min shook his head. “I don’t think I can do better than you. So unless you want to lose custody of Hana, you’d better stay with me.”

Soo-Ja felt as if she were falling into an abyss. “You’d really take Hana from me?” She could hear the desperation in her own voice.

“If that’s the only way I can keep you, then yes.”

Soo-Ja nodded. The pain in her stomach hurt so much, she almost doubled over. She felt a slight shudder as he put his arms around her and led her out of the restaurant. Back at their house, her in-laws would be waiting for her.

PART THREE

Plum Blossoms

Nine Years Later

Seoul

1972

chapter ten

All of this nothingness could be mine, thought Soo-Ja, as she walked through the empty fields in the neighborhood of Gangnam, south of the