This Burns My Heart Page 0,66
price.”
Soo-Ja fought the panic rising in her. “Eomma, I swear I didn’t know about this! Father-in-law had no right to come here and pretend to speak for me!”
“Don’t let your father see you like this,” said Mother, with sorrow in her eyes. “He was so happy to help you. I think he did it so he could see the look of gratitude on your face. What kind of a father is this, who throws so much away just for one look?”
“This doesn’t change anything,” said her father, when Soo-Ja told him how they’d kept her in the dark. “By helping your husband, I’m helping you. They’re your family now. Your fate and their fate are inextricably linked, till the day you die.”
They were sitting in his room, drinking warm cups of yulmucha tea. Outside, Soo-Ja could hear the cold wind howling. She watched as her father lit some incense, and its delicate smell filled the room.
“He should have told me,” said Soo-Ja, her body filled with anguish. “I would have stopped him.”
“Then I would have given him the money behind your back. Anything to keep your husband out of jail. Now, you know I don’t like Nam. But he’s Min’s father. And being wanted by the police in suspicion of a crime is one thing, actually being arrested for it is something else entirely. This would ruin his future. And your future. And think of Hana’s prospects, too. It’s not Min’s fault that he has a father like that.”
“So you know everything,” said Soo-Ja, her body slumped, as if her ankles and elbows were weighed down with stones.
“I guessed it the second Min’s father opened his mouth that the debt was really his, and not his son’s.”
“He must think he’s so clever,” said Soo-Ja, sighing.
Her father nodded, smiling. “I hate that you have to live with them.”
So he knew all about that, too. Soo-Ja wondered if all of her efforts to look happy were in vain, and people acted as if they believed her just to be polite, when deep down they could clearly hear her heart breaking.
“If I had let you go to Seoul to study diplomacy, you would never have married him,” said Soo-Ja’s father.
“You can’t blame yourself for my mistakes,” said Soo-Ja.
“But isn’t it true? Would you still have married him if I had let you go to Seoul?” he asked. Soo-Ja did not reply, and her father began to nod, taking her silence for an answer.
“Is that why you gave him the money?”
“You were a rebellious daughter. But what were you rebelling against? Me. Why should I enjoy my money when my daughter lives in misery?”
“Please don’t lose sleep over me. It’s not so bad.”
“You’re lying,” he said.
Her father held his cup of tea with both his hands and drank from it. When he put it down, Soo-Ja saw that it was not tea in his cup—it was soju. She’d been so distraught by the news, she hadn’t noticed how out of sorts he looked. How long and how much had he been drinking? she wondered.
“It is the worst feeling in the world, to know that your child is unhappy.”
“It’s not that bad,” said Soo-Ja. “It’s just strange, to think of my life here and my life there. It’s not worse, it’s just different.”
“And how is Hana?”
Soo-Ja then told him all that happened. Her father looked stunned the entire time, and he kept looking out toward the hallway, where Hana was helping her grandmother pick off the ends of soybean sprouts. He stared at her with longing, as if in the telling of the story, Hana was once again lost, and once again recovered.
“You should have called for me!” he cried out. “I would have taken the first train to Pusan. To think of what you went through!”
“I didn’t want to worry you.”
“Worrying is what a father does. Take that away from him and he has nothing to live for. How can I trust you, if you don’t reach out for me in a moment of need?”
“Please, Father, after all I’ve been through, I don’t need your chiding.”
“All I want in this world is to see you happy.”
Oh, and what a terrible burden that is for me, thought Soo-Ja, glancing at his tired-looking eyes.
“I can’t take that money. I can’t take so much from you.”
Her father shook his head, and he looked terribly sad, as if disappointed in her. And then, finally, a burst of emotion came out of him. “Use me up. Use me up