“Hey, punk,” he greeted in a low voice. I envisioned him sitting in his bedroom, lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. He was probably in sweats and rubbing circles along his abs. “Are you on your way home? Need me to come get you?”
“I’m about to leave. I can walk with Rose. How was your night with Lance?”
Across from me, Rose rolled her eyes. She damn well knew I was stalling. “Brutal,” Decker replied, snapping my attention back to him. “He knows me too well. Asked who I was dating, because I’ve been happier lately. I made up some bullshit about a girl online, but he wasn’t convinced. I think he’s onto us. Maybe we should tone things down a notch? We have to be more careful.”
I let out a shaky sigh. “What if we weren’t more careful?” I asked.
Decker didn’t immediately respond, and I suddenly felt very, very tired. “What are you suggesting?”
“I’m suggesting we try something new. I’m suggesting we tell him. I’m suggesting I switch schools. I’m suggesting we do this for real, Decker.”
The other end of the line went silent for a long moment. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as I tried to calm myself.
“I can’t, Blakely. Not yet. It’s still too soon,” he finally said.
I glanced at Rose, but she was blurry from the tears in my eyes. “Then I can’t do this. I care too much about both of you.”
“Are you breaking up with me over the phone?” he seethed. “Is Rose there? Come home, Blakely. Let’s talk about this, okay? I’m not saying never; I’m just saying not right now.”
It hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. It felt like my soul was on fire, but I knew I had to end this. I refused to be like my mama. I refused to be someone’s dirty little secret. “And I’m saying when you’re willing to tell Lance, I’ll be willing to try with you again.”
I hung up like a child, slamming it down on the table. I was unwilling to hash this out any further. He was right, it was ridiculous to do this over the phone, but when else would we? It’s not like we could have a fight with Lance just down the hall. We couldn’t go out and do this thing over dinner. We couldn’t hash things out in his classroom. We were stuck, and Rose was right. Life was too short to feel stuck anymore.
But I was tired, so very tired. My chest was shaking with exhaustion. My eyes felt heavy as they shed tears. “Wanna stay at my place, baby?” Rose asked with a tender smile.
“Yes, please. I just want to sleep.”
“That’s the best cure for being tired, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
I cried all night and didn’t get a wink of sleep.
29
Blakely
It was impossible to sit through Decker’s class and not feel the urge to cry. I spent all of last night in Rose’s RV, sobbing my eyes out while trying to find a way to make this work and crumbling when every option hit a brick wall. I wasn’t willing to sneak around anymore, and he wasn’t willing to tell Lance.
Decker didn’t look too well, either. His eyes were bloodshot and surrounded by dark circles. His button-up shirt was wrinkled, and he barely put any effort into his lecture. It broke me to see him so broken. It hurt me to see the evidence of his hurt. But once again, the world stood in our way. I couldn’t approach him in class, and Lance would be home tonight.
We spent most of our class reading from our textbook, but I couldn’t bring myself to read. He brooded at his desk but kept his eyes on me. I usually would have bugged him for being so obvious, but I guess we didn’t have to worry about that anymore. My heart was breaking, but I didn’t know what else to do. I knew that we could overcome the age difference and the fact that he was my teacher. But I couldn’t keep the secret from Lance. It made me feel too much like my mother, and I didn’t want to deceive Lance.
“Blakely, please stay after class,” Decker instructed. I wasn’t expecting him to speak to me. What hurt the most was the feeling that he wasn’t willing to fight for us. Last night, I turned my phone off, but there were no messages when I turned it back on this