The Burglar Who Thought He Was Bogart - By Lawrence Block Page 0,87

one in the first place.

Anyway, the big reaction came from Ilona and Mike, who mumbled and stammered something to the effect that they’d thought Ray was affiliated not with the police at all but with the Immigration and Naturalization Service.

“Now that’s innarestin’,” he allowed, “an’ I can see where you would get the impression, an’ maybe I even went an’ made a slip of the tongue, sayin’ INS when I meant NYPD. It’s one batch of initials or another, an’ it coulda come out AFLCIO just as easy. But Bernie here is right, what I am is a cop, an’ just for form I prob’ly oughta read you all this here.” He held up a little wallet-size card and read, “‘You have the right to remain silent,’” and went all the way to the end, Mirandizing the hell out of everybody.

“I don’t understand,” Tsarnoff said. “Am I to take it, sir, that we have been placed under arrest?”

“Naw,” Ray said. “Why’d I wanna go an’ arrest anybody? I don’t see nobody breakin’ no laws. An’ even if I did, I ain’t in no hurry to make an arrest. You arrest somebody nowadays, you’re lookin’ at twelve, fifteen hours of paperwork by the time you’re done. Why, on my way in here I saw a young fellow take a book off of Bernie’s outside table, an’ do you think I was gonna arrest him for that?”

“Probably not,” I said.

“Of course not. So if anybody in this room should happen to be carryin’ a concealed weapon, with or without you got a permit for it, as long as it don’t see the light of day you got nothin’ to worry about. Or if there’s a person here with outstandin’ warrants, well, put your mind at rest. That ain’t what I’m here for.”

“And yet you read us our rights,” Tsarnoff persisted.

“That’s just a contingency procedure,” Charlie Weeks said. “Figure it out, Gregorius. From this point on, anything anybody says is admissible as evidence. At least that’s the supposition. I don’t know what a lawyer would make of it, or a judge.”

“A lawyer would make a buck,” Ray said, “bein’ as they generally do. An’ nobody ever knows what a judge’ll make of anything. An’ the real reason I read the Miranda card is so we’ll all take this seriously, even though it ain’t official an’ I’m just here to see what my old friend Bernie’s gonna pull out of his hat. He’s done this before, an’ I got to admit he generally comes up with a rabbit.”

That was my cue, and I hopped to it. The line that came to me was I suppose you’re wondering why I summoned you all here, and I’ll admit it’s one I’ve used to good effect in the past, but it didn’t really apply this time. They weren’t wondering. They knew, or at least thought they did.

“I want to thank you all for coming,” I said. “I know you’re all busy people, and I don’t want to take up too much of your time. So I’ll get right to it.”

I would have, too, but some clown picked that moment to stick his head in the door. “The sign says you’re closed,” he said, sounding peeved.

“We are,” I said. “There’s a private sale going on. We’ll be keeping our usual hours tomorrow.”

“But you got a table outside,” he said, “plus your door’s not locked.”

“I’ll fix that,” I said, and closed it in his face, and thumbed the catch to lock it. He gave me a look and turned away, and I turned back to my guests.

“Sorry,” I said. “Mowgli, if anybody else tries to come in—”

“I’ll take care of it,” he said.

“Thanks. Where was I?”

“You were getting right to it,” Charlie Weeks said.

“So I was,” I said, and found a bookcase to lean against. “I want to tell you a story, and I may have to jump around a little, because this story starts in a few different places at a few different times. It has its roots deep in the nineteenth century, when nationalist sentiments began to stir throughout the lands administered by the Austro-Hungarian and the Ottoman empires. One of those Balkan nationalisms precipitated the outbreak of the First World War, when a young Serb shot the Austrian archduke. By the time that war ended, self-determination of nations was a catchphrase throughout the western world. Independence movements flowered across Europe. Among the presumptive nations to declare their independence was the sovereign nation of Anatruria. It was