The Burglar on the Prowl - By Lawrence Block Page 0,16

I would recommend for anyone. It’s morally reprehensible, for starters, and the fact that I evidently can’t give it up doesn’t mean I’m not well aware of the disagreeably sordid nature of what I do. Such considerations aside, it’s still a poor vocational choice.

Oh, there are attractive elements, and let’s acknowledge them right in front. You’re your own boss, and you never have to sit through a job interview, never have to convince anyone that you have the requisite experience for the task at hand, or, conversely, that you’re not overqualified. No one has to hire you and no one can fire you.

Nor, like the ordinary tradesman, are you dependent upon the good will of your customers. That’s just as well, as ill will is what they’d bear you, and it’s all to the good if they never know more about you than that you’ve paid them a visit. But you don’t have to drum up business, and you don’t have to deal with suppliers, and no avaricious landlord can raise the rent on your business premises, because you don’t have any.

Your business is essentially unaffected by booms and busts in the national or world economy. There’s a built-in hedge against inflation—the value of what you steal keeps pace with your higher costs—and depression won’t throw you out of work. (The competition’s a little keener in bad times, as otherwise solid citizens decide to find out what’s behind Door Number Three, but that’s all right. There’s always enough to go around.)

You don’t need a license from the city or state, either, and there’s no union to join, no dues to pay, and no paperwork to fill out. On the other hand, there’s no pension plan, and since you don’t pay taxes neither do you qualify for Social Security and Medicare and all the other benefits that sparkle like diamonds in the setting of the golden years. No sick days, either, and no paid vacation. No health care. Bottom line, you’re pretty much on your own.

You set your own hours, of course, and you’ll never find yourself putting in a forty-hour week. Even allowing for study and research, you’re not likely to work forty hours in the course of an entire month. Once you get down to cases, time is of the essence, and burglary, unlike some other pursuits, does not reward the chap who makes the whole thing last as long as possible. The idea is to get in and get out as quickly as possible.

All of this sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? Even the drawbacks—no pension, no security, no guaranteed annual wage—are part of the image of the romantic self-sufficient loner, making his rugged-individualist way in the world. You can almost hear country music playing in the background, and Merle Haggard urging you to chuck the effete urban rat race and move to Montana like a man.

Well, there’s a downside. For one thing, you never get to feel like a useful and productive member of society, because you’re not. Even if you can shrug off the natural guilt that comes from taking things that don’t belong to you, even if you rationalize it by arguing with Proudhon that all property is theft, there’s nothing to give you a sense of accomplishment.

A construction worker, walking past a skyscraper, can say to himself, “Hey, I built that.” An obstetrician, lamenting the endless escalation of his malpractice insurance premiums, can console himself with the thought of all the children he brought into the world. A chef, a hooker, a bartender, even a drug dealer, can rejoice at the day’s end with the thought that any number of people feel better for having been his or her customers that day.

And what can a burglar tell himself? “Hey, see that house? I broke into that house, robbed ’em blind. Stole everything but the paint off the walls. Made out like a bandit. And that’s just one of my houses…”

Great. And that’s not the worst of it, either.

Because here’s the thing: you can get caught. And, if they catch you, they’ll throw you in prison.

For all I know, you may have romantic ideas about prison. Maybe you figure you’ll finally get to read Proust. Maybe you watched Oz, overlooked the less savory aspects, and decided it would be neat to be a part of all that high drama and snappy dialogue. Well, put those notions right out of your head. I’ve been there—just once, and just briefly, thank God and St. Dismas—and I have to