Bullet Page 0,142

muscle that sometimes you forgot that there was a good mind in all that heavy packaging.

“It’s not that I killed Haven. It’s that I was able to look him dead in the eyes, the same eyes that I’d looked at during sex, and I looked into those eyes and pulled the trigger. I stared him in the eyes and turned his brains to mush. How could I do that? How could anyone do that and not be a monster?”

Nathaniel put his arms around me, and I let him. I held on, because I believed what I’d said.

“I would say, I could have done it, but we all know without your control I’m a sociopath,” Nicky said, “so that isn’t comforting.”

“If it was a woman I might hesitate,” Dino said, “but if she had a gun I could do it.”

“Don’t look at us,” Gregory said. “Guns are not our thing.”

Stephen just nodded.

“I couldn’t kill someone I loved,” Nathaniel said, “but I’d kill to protect someone I loved, and that’s what you did, Anita.” He kissed my forehead and put his hands on my face, sliding his fingers into my hair so he could make me look at him. “You protected me.”

“There were guards all over the place, from what I hear,” Dino said, “and any of them would have done it for you. It wouldn’t have cost them this kind of pain.”

I turned from Nathaniel, his hands still in my hair, so I could see Dino. “That’s why it had to be me. It was supposed to matter. It was supposed to hurt.”

“You were raised Catholic, right?” Dino asked.

“Yeah, why?”

He shook his head. “Nothing. One more quote, and this is Nietzsche: ‘Is it better to outmonster the monster or to be quietly devoured?’

“What?” I asked.

“You heard the question, now answer it,” he said.

I took a deep breath in and let it out slow, laying my head against Nathaniel’s chest with his hands still cradling my head. I hugged him once and then pushed away so I was standing on my own. “I won’t be quietly devoured.”

“So you vote monster,” he said.

I thought about it. “If there are only two choices, yeah.”

“Me, too,” he said.

“Me, three,” Nathaniel said.

We went around the room and everyone voted to be a monster. “Haven picked on Travis and Noel because they let him devour them slowly,” Dino said.

“They weren’t good enough monsters,” Nicky said.

“Travis is still alive; don’t talk about him in past tense,” I said.

“If he wants to stay that way, he needs to get better at fighting back,” Dino said.

“Can I order him to start going to the training sessions?” I asked.

“You’re the local Regina, Anita, and they’re fresh out of kings; you can order Travis to do anything,” Nicky said.

And there it was again, being in charge of someone’s life to a point that I didn’t want. But Dino and Nicky were right; Travis had to learn how to defend himself better or find a pride that was a little less lionlike.

Nathaniel took my hand and started leading me toward the door. “Travis is safe here, so worry about him later.”

“You really are okay with me adding more people to our bed,” I said.

He grinned at me. “I like making new friends.”

I frowned at him.

He kissed me, soft and sudden. I couldn’t frown while he kissed me; I couldn’t do anything but kiss him back. When he drew back I was left staring up into those eyes. “You really are a little excited to meet them, aren’t you?”

He put his forehead against mine and whispered, “I like watching you with other people, and you know that.”

“Does Micah like watching?” I asked.

“He likes watching us together, and he likes Jean-Claude. He likes Jason.”

I closed my eyes and leaned in against him. “I just want to sleep between the two of you for like a couple of days.”

“We get through this, and we will.”

I moved back enough so I could see his face. “Promise,” I asked.

His face went very serious and he said, “Promise.”

I nodded and stepped away. I stood up straight, because I’d been huddling in on myself. I could do this. We could do this. And then when this was over we’d find a bed for just the three of us and sleep until I wasn’t tired anymore. It felt like I’d need about a hundred years to catch up, but I’d settle for eight uninterrupted hours. Sometimes you take what you can get.

39

THE DRAPES HAD been stripped around the living room so