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this!” I yelled it at him.
“No, but it will help. The anger has to go somewhere. I’d rather it not go into a fight with us, and until you get it worked out somehow we can’t put you in a room with new wereanimals.” His face was so gentle as he moved toward me. He moved cautiously, the way you do with jumpers on ledges and wild animals when you don’t have a gun. Was I that horrible? Had I taught him to be that afraid of me? The answer, obviously, was yes.
My eyes burned and my throat was tight, but I didn’t want to cry again. I’d already cried and it had helped, but not enough. I’d cried for Haven, for Noel, for what I had to do. For almost losing the man who was walking toward me so carefully. I was nodding over and over.
Nathaniel took my hand and started leading me toward the door. “I’ll take her to work out. You guys choose which of the tigers you like best, but I think Micah should choose.”
“Why, because he’s your lover, or because he’s your Nimir-Raj?” Asher asked.
“No, because Jean-Claude seems to be attracted to difficult people—powerful, but with heavy issues. We don’t have time, or energy, to add another heavy-issue person to our group. I’d just pick the most dominant; it’s what I’m mostly attracted to. Damian just wants another girl so badly. He’s weirded out by how many guys Anita already has in her bed, so he’d pick the only girl. Asher said it earlier, that he’d like another man who isn’t so heterosexual, but a man who likes mostly men won’t move Anita. Nicky will be with us guarding, and his biggest thing is pleasing Anita anyway, so his opinion is her opinion. Even if Richard were in human form he and Anita don’t seem to like the same people, or don’t want to admit that they do. So he won’t want anyone. Anita’s last two choices have both been sociopaths or close to it.” He squeezed my hand as he said it, but I couldn’t argue with him, so I didn’t try. “Micah is the only one of us who seems to pick well, and with less agenda. He’s never brought anyone into our pard who was crazy or bad, or difficult. He makes sure that every new member works with us. That’s what we need. Someone who works with us, not against us. So you guys meet with the new weretigers; Anita doesn’t need to be there, and neither do I. I give my vote and Anita’s vote to Micah, if she agrees.”
He looked at me, and I nodded. “I trust Micah.”
Nicky said, “I’ll go with them, but Nathaniel’s right. My vote, if I get one, goes to Micah. He doesn’t let his issues get in his way like the rest of us do.”
“Jason gave his vote to me,” Jean-Claude said, “because he cares about nothing today as much as J.J. and her new attraction with the swanmane.”
I’d forgotten about Jason and his sweetie in all this. I said, “Are they all right?”
“J. J. and Bianca are besotted with each other from the ardeur last night. I believe it will pass in time, but for now Jason is not entirely welcome in his own bed.”
“If it had been any of the swanmanes besides Bianca,” Nathaniel said, “they’d have shared with Jason just fine, but Bianca was treated badly by the old swan king. It’s left her afraid to have sex with a man.”
I sighed and moved in against his body, so he held me. “I didn’t mean to fuck up Jason’s chance at happiness.”
Nathaniel hugged me and said, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You helped keep us alive,” Asher said, “you and Jean-Claude and all your magic. The blame goes to the Mother of All Darkness and Morte d’Amour, and to no one else.”
I pressed my face against the sweet warmth of Nathaniel’s neck and said, “I’ll try to believe that.” I pulled away and started for the door, his hand still in mine. “Get me out of here.”
Micah called after me, “I love you. I love you both.”
Nathaniel flashed him that brilliant smile and said, “I love you, too.” I said the words, but I didn’t feel them. The anger was fading and the only thing left behind was numbness. I wanted to be in exercise clothes and sweating before the numbness changed to something more painful.
We went out the door with Nicky