laced with valerian root, hoping to sleep, but it doesn’t help. She tries to draw but can’t, tries to read but throws the book aside. Finally, she takes up her distaff and spindle and spins thread hour after hour, teasing out the wool with her fingers, watching the whorl spin this way, that way, with no purpose but to find oblivion in that simple, mindless activity. It is the seventh day since she and Agathon were caught in the cave, the fifth since she and Pliny and Ione and Zosimus shed each other’s heart’s blood in a mutual wounding that will scar them forever.
In all these weary days she has not seen a friendly face. Her new serving women are strangers to her. Ione is not permitted to come near her now—not that she wants her to. None of the wives have called on her—mercifully. No one will risk offending her husband by befriending her. She thinks bitterly how Agathon deceived and abandoned her. Is anything left of her passion for him? It feels now as if it had all happened to some other woman, someone she doesn’t even recognize. She has gathered together the dozens of drawings she made of him and has burned them one by one until nothing remains but a heap of ashes.
Ashes. She has the taste of ashes in her mouth. Her heart, her self-respect, her husband’s love—all ashes. He will divorce her. How can he not? It’s what she deserves. There can be no forgiveness for the pain she has caused him. She has ruined both their lives. All she wants now is to go home and be with her grandfather, in the old familiar surroundings of her childhood.
A knock on the door.
Can it be him? Her husband? Come to forgive her after all? Her heart leaps. If he will let her, she will love him again like the innocent girl she once was. How she longs to be that girl again! “Come in,” she says in a tremulous voice.
“Excuse me, lady. They said you were here.”
“Aulus?” She tries to compose her face, quiet her heart. “What are you doing here? I thought you were at home.”
“I was for a while. I couldn’t stand it. I came back to see the governor, but Suetonius says he left yesterday to visit someone in the country.”
“Oh, I didn’t know.” She sees his eyes widen in surprise. He’s a sensitive boy, he knows something is the matter, but he is too shy to ask. She must say something. “My husband and I are estranged.” She forces a smile.
“I’m sorry, I—”
“It’s all right. Why did you want to see him?”
He looks at his feet and grimaces, hunches his thin shoulders, wrings his hands. She’s afraid he’ll have a fit. “The cave,” he says at last. “Everyone says your husband found it. I wanted him to take me there.”
“Why in the world?” she asks, astonished. “That should be the last place—”
“You don’t understand. I blame myself for my father’s death. If I hadn’t been a coward, hadn’t tried to run away, he would have seen those men who were lying in wait on the path, he could have defended himself.”
“Aulus, you mustn’t think that.” She takes his hands in hers.
There are tears in his eyes. “If I had obeyed him and gone with him to the cave none of this would have happened. And maybe Mithras would have cured me. Maybe he still can. I want to go there now and make a sacrifice to him. I’m a man now, I’ll soon be seventeen. I mustn’t be afraid anymore. I owe my father that.”
“Oh, but you can’t, there’s no one there, no priest, the cave is empty.”
He draws back and stares at her. “How do you know that?”
She realizes too late what she has admitted. “Haven’t you heard? I was there—with someone I thought I loved.” Why lie to the boy? She’s too tired to lie anymore. She sees his confusion.
“And that’s why—”
“Why I’m here? Yes.”
“I’m sorry for you.”
“You’re kind to say so.”
He looks at her earnestly. “My parents parted in anger too. I will never marry.”
“Don’t be silly, of course you will.”
For a moment he says nothing and then he gathers his nerve. “Could you take me there?”
“No, impossible.”
“Who else can I ask?”
“One of the soldiers, Suetonius…”
“I’m afraid of them.” He pleads with his eyes. “Only you, lady.”
Oh, gods! Could she? Go back to the last place where she and Agathon had made love and face whatever feelings