anything. I didn’t want him to. It was too hard on all of us as it was.
“How much time?”
“A week, if we’re lucky.”
“Oh, God. And the experimental thing?”
I wasn’t even pretending I hadn’t eavesdropped on his intimate breakdown. Tragedy and loss strip you off all those things—shame, humiliation, humanity. At some point, you just stop caring.
He shook his head, tightening his arms around me. I wanted to tell him so many things: That he needed to give Lev more attention. That we needed to prepare my baby brother for this. But for the first time in a long time, I just stole a moment alone with my father and pretended my mom wasn’t dying, that I wasn’t an addict, that my girlfriend wasn’t unhappy with me, that I had my shit together.
I breathed in the traces of Dad’s cologne, closing my eyes.
He’d carved the words ride or die on the back of the tree? How had I not noticed them carved on our treehouse?
It was only when Luna wrote them to me in blood that they’d registered.
She was all I saw. Always.
Since telling Luna about Mom was easier than telling Lev, I decided to start with that.
I went to school the next morning right from the hospital. People were still so busy talking shit about Poppy, they hadn’t noticed the changes in me, and they knew nothing about Mom. I knew Vaughn and Hunter would stop the gossip mill if people found out just how bad things had gotten with her.
There was something embarrassing and humiliating about death I had yet to uncover. It was a weakness everyone had—yet still, being affected by it felt shameful.
Luna picked me up from school (“You’re fucking a freshman in college! Good for you,” Hunter called when he saw me kiss her lips.), and we drove to the beach. I hadn’t had a drop of alcohol the entire day, and I was snappy, on edge. I decided to make every effort not to piss my girlfriend off. I had a very strong feeling I was already walking a tightrope after our encounter yesterday, when I’d basically thrown her encounter with FUCKING JOSH in her face yet again.
The drive, like many hours of my life recently, passed in silence. Then Luna got us blue slushies and we settled on the sand, letting the freezing waves break on our toes.
“My mother has one week to live, give or take,” I told her, looking at that magical sliver where the sky kisses the ocean—where little kids could get swallowed into another portal, apparently.
I wanted it to suck me in. Take me and Dad and Mom and Lev and Luna somewhere we could live without bone-crushing problems.
“Knight,” she whispered, cupping my bent knee and giving it a squeeze. “I’m so sorry. I’m here for you. Whatever you need, baby. I took the rest of the week off from school, and my mom and Aunt Emilia said they’ll be moving into your house until…”
I turned my head toward her, my face probably carrying a puzzled expression. How did she know all this, and why in the fresh hell wasn’t she more surprised by this whole ordeal? It had certainly caught me off guard.
“I just heard them speak on the phone,” she clarified, rubbing the back of her neck. Bullshit. Luna couldn’t lie to save her life.
“Luna,” I warned.
I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t. But Luna wasn’t the only one with a great memory. I remembered the last time she’d acted weird when the subject of my mom’s health came up. Like she’d known something I hadn’t.
“I really don’t—”
“But you do,” I cut her off. “You do, so tell me.”
Her face fell, her features tightening. She looked wary. I couldn’t bear it. She was wary of me. I scrubbed my face, willing myself not to snap at her. I’d do whatever it took to keep myself together.
“Please don’t lie to me,” I asked softly, not looking at her.
“I knew,” she whispered.
My heart broke all over again. Because I hadn’t known. I was the idiot who still prayed while everyone around me was making plans, putting shit in motion. Everyone was preparing for grief, while I was still deep in denial. I exhaled sharply, my face still buried in my hands.
“She asked me to do something for you and Lev. We worked on it over winter break. It was a secret. I promised her I’d always take care of you, Knight, and I meant it.”