forest’s mountain, look at the nothingness surrounding me, and think—this is it. The end of the world. Right here. Or it was when thunder cracked, and fog descended over the roads, misting the car windows. Or when I concentrated on that thin line between the skyline and the ocean, imagining myself sliding into it and letting it suck me into another dimension.
That was how it felt right now: Like there was nothing to come after this.
No graduation.
No football.
No more kisses from Luna under her covers.
This was where I ended, and nothing else began.
This was when I lost the person who’d built my life—the person who’d claimed me when the woman who gave birth to me couldn’t.
Who was going to claim me now?
Where did I belong?
“Can I touch her?” Levy’s voice was hoarse.
He wasn’t so short anymore. He was fourteen now. I imagined it was even more difficult for him, to lose her when he was still so young.
Who’d tell him it was okay to screw up his first kiss when she was gone?
That there was such a thing as too much saliva?
Who’d give him female advice?
Take him suit shopping for prom?
Wipe his tears when Bailey broke his heart—and she was going to, I had no doubt. They were too tight not to hurt each other.
Me. That’s who. That’s what I decided, anyway. I was going to up my big brother game. I had to.
“Gently,” Dad clipped, his tone like a whip lash, making my baby brother wince.
Lev disconnected from Dad. He took restrained steps toward Mom—like if he walked too fast, he’d shatter her. Her eyes were closed, her skin pale. Purple veins ran through her eyelids like spider webs. She looked peaceful, the blanket rolled all the way up to her neck. I thought Lev was going to touch her cheek, her face. Maybe her hair. To my surprise, his fingers curled around the edge of the blanket, pulling it slowly, moving it down to her waist.
“She hates to sleep with the blanket all the way up,” he choked, looking away, at the wall. A sob ripped from his mouth, coming out harsh, like thunder.
Dad stood like a statue, refusing to cope with the shit life had thrown at us, and stared at both of them—mainly at Mom.
I snapped out of it, shook off the headache and nausea, and gripped Lev’s shoulder from behind.
“You’re right, Levy-boy. She really does.”
I wished I could rewrite our last moment, the way I could in my little notebook.
The last, first moment I saw him again, after Boon.
The boy I fell in love with, the guy I fell in lust with, the man who’d be my downfall.
When I finally got to the hospital, my first vision of Knight was him gliding through the corridor with a death glare, rubbing a crying Lev’s back, walking away from his father, who was shouting at both of them to come back.
Knight stopped when we came face to face, his expression unmoved. I didn’t expect a kiss, or a grand declaration of love, considering the circumstances, but when I opened my arms to hug them, he ignored the gesture, opting to jerk Levy closer to his side, like he was protecting him from the entire world, me included.
“Take us home?” he almost pleaded. “I want to drop Levy at your parents’ and take a shower. It’s been a long day.”
I nodded. I’d figured he’d need some chauffeuring, so I’d made a quick stop at my house to pick up Dad’s car before coming here. I normally shied away from driving, but I was beginning to understand that Knight’s situation required a lot of adjusting. I was desperate to fit into his new, broken world and help any way I could.
I was already missing classes, skipping school, and falling behind by being here for God knows how long. But I would be.
Indeed, the price of Knight’s love was expensive, but I had no trouble paying my dues.
As we drove silently, Lev sat in the back, sucking his breath in to hold back his sobs. His face was a wreck, his eyes red, his hands shaking in his lap. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew I needed to say something. Anything. I cleared my throat, straightening in my seat.
“I’m going to pack you a bag, Lev, give you some pizza money, and drop you at Jaime and Mel’s. I already spoke with them. You can sleep over at their place.”