but for you it’s prime socializing time. You are young and hot and deserve a real relationship. Not to lie here crying in the dark every night over a man thousands of miles away who couldn’t see what he had when he had you.”
“I don’t cry every night.” How did I explain our normal phone calls? “I—you’re right. Of course.”
“So?”
“So what?”
“So what are you going to do about it?” she asked.
Tonight notwithstanding, mostly it had been comforting to lie here in silence connected to Xavier. Even though it was seriously fucked up. “Nothing. I’m not going to do anything. He needed me. I wanted to be there for him.” And now we probably wouldn’t speak again.
“Nothing? I need you. You’re supposed to be my friend, yet between your new job and your nightly phone calls, I never see you.”
I bit my lip. “I’m sorry.”
“What does he talk about, anyway? I mean you just lie there listening. That’s some weird shit.”
“We don’t talk. Usually. I just let him fall asleep. He-he doesn’t sleep well, and—”
“You have to be kidding me. You’re blowing me off so you can listen to a guy sleep?” She threw her arms up. “Fuck that shit. Get up.” She stood.
“Meredith. No.”
“Yes. I’m getting an ice pack for your eyes and we are going out. What the hell, Josie? This isn’t you. You are not one to let some guy gut you of your self-esteem.”
“I don’t need tough love right, now, Mer. I hear you, okay? I know. I know. Xavier and I won’t be talking anymore. I told him we’re done. So just let me grieve tonight. I’ll go out soon with you, I promise.”
She towered over me, hands on hips. “Promise?”
“Yes.”
She sank onto my bed again. “I’m sorry. I just hate to see you like this. And I really hope if you ever, ever, caught me in the same position, you’d kick my ass.”
I squeezed her arm. “Pay back will be a bitch, I promise,” I said sincerely.
“Fine. That was warranted. But seriously, it’s killing me to see you like this. Your mom is worried, too. She called me. She also noticed how different you’ve been since you got back.”
“I am different. Sure, I have a renewed sense of purpose about what I was doing with my life. But mostly, I fell in stupid, big, all-consuming love. Like I even dream of the smell of him kind of love. Of the way he spoke while we … you know.” Meredith scrunched her nose up, but I continued. “And like, I-want-to-be-a-mom-to-a-little-girl-who-isn’t-mine-but-feels-like-mine-because-she’s-a-part-of-him kind of love. It was as though I left Charleston like an overgrown teenager, and I came back as a woman. That’s the closest explanation I can give you. And not to mention the sex … other worldly. I mean I’ve always enjoyed sex, but it’s never been like it was with Xavier. Never. So freaking intense. And I’ll probably never find that again … for the rest of my whole life.”
“Well, fuck. I’d be crying too then,” Meredith said, a legitimate expression of horror on her face. “Scoot over, I’m going to get ice-cream delivered, and we’ll hold a wake for your sex life.”
I laughed, but it morphed into a fresh round of tears. “I-ice-cream s-sounds good.” I hiccupped.
“Christ, you’re a mess.” She sighed and pulled me in to lie on her shoulder while her other hand found the food delivery app on my phone.
I was a zombie for the next week or so.
Dauphine still called, but sometimes it was every two or three days now. It felt as though she was getting better. Finally able to move on from her grief and recent trauma. I knew Xavier had organized for her to see a therapist again after the incident with the kidnapping, so with that and having me to talk to, she’d sounded lighter and lighter. However, I hadn’t heard Xavier’s voice again, and my gut ached to hear it.
But then Tabitha came back and the energy in our apartment began to slowly shift back toward the happier times we’d had pre-France. It was Friday and we’d planned a girls’ night so I could fill Tabitha in sparingly about the fact I’d broken all her rules about not fraternizing with one of her families, and she could fill us in on what, or who, had kept her away from Charleston so long. The late September heat in Charleston was relentless and would continue to be for the next few months at least, and it