“Oh em gee,” Tabitha crowed. “That’s genius. Send them to the office, Josie.”
I thought of sweet and lovely Barbara opening the office mail. “Er, that’d be a no.”
“No, no, no,” Meredith said. “You always have to send it to their home address. That way they have to open it in front of their family and explain to them what they’ve done to deserve a bag of dicks.” She took another sip of martini as Tabs and I caught each other’s expression in a knowing and horrified expression.
“Tell me you haven’t sent a bag of dicks and not told us,” I directed at Meredith.
“To a married man,” Tabitha added.
Meredith hid her face back in her martini. “I didn’t know he was married, okay? Hence the bag of dicks.”
“Oh, honey.” I winced. “I’m sorry.”
“I was so ashamed, you guys. I didn’t want to tell you. I felt like such an idiot. And no one knew we’d hooked up, so I tried to just forget about it.”
“Who was it?” Tabitha asked. “You haven’t talked about anyone since that lovely guy from Cincinnati who was here—oooooh.” We both grimaced. “Yikes. I’m sorry.”
“How did you find out? I thought you guys just fizzled because of the distance? And I didn’t realize you’d … you know, done the deed before he left.”
“I shouldn’t have. Ugh. Warning bells were sounding and I just ignored them. But yeah, I found his social media profile. Not only is he married to the most gorgeous woman, who’s a pediatric surgeon by the way, but they have twin boys who are so freaking cute. Ugh. Why are men such evil creatures?”
“They aren’t all evil creatures,” I defended, and then thought of my stepfather and what he’d done to my mother and by extension to me. “Not that I have a lot of good male influences to call on … but they have to be out there. Good men. Kind men.”
“Kind is sooo sexy,” Meredith said wistfully. “Men who are kind, who read, love animals, love kids, and bring their women tea in bed.”
Tabitha raised her glass. “And always make sure she comes first.”
I raised my glass to Tabitha, and Meredith joined in. “I’ll drink to that.”
“I bet the Frenchie is kind,” Tabitha said.
“The sad, hot, Frenchman?” I clarified.
“One and the same.”
“But he’s, like, a squillionaire,” said Meredith. “So that makes me think he might not be so good at the make-sure-she-comes-first thing. My theory is that men who are hot and rich don’t have to try as hard to keep their women happy. They’re entitled and used to getting what they want without working for it. Case in point, Cincinnati Man. Deliciously handsome. Loaded. Gorgeous wife and kids that he doesn’t appreciate. And he’s still out there expecting more. And I can tell you, I definitely did not come first. Or at all for that matter.”
“Nooo,” Tabitha breathed in shock. “That’s criminal.”
Meredith slapped the table. “And that’s why I sent him a—”
“Bag of dicks!” we all screeched in unison as we busted out into hysterics.
After our laughter had died down and we ordered another round of drinks, I gave a happy sigh. “I really needed this, guys. Thank you.”
“I needed it too,” said Tabs. “I hate letting clients down. It made the whole day feel shitty. Especially on top of what happened to you. But I’ve honestly reached out to every contact I have, and no one is available at such short notice to go nanny for this family. It would be a plum job for the right person. He offered to triple the normal rate. I’ve even reached out to other agencies I trust, wanting to give them the lead. But there’s no one. And people who haven’t already got summer placements are either looking for short-term weekender gigs to fit around other stuff they have going on or full-on long-term contracts. No one who I can stake the reputation of my agency on is available right now for six to eight weeks.”
The server dropped off our drinks and a basket of tortilla chips. Clearly, we looked as though we might need to soak up some alcohol.
“But we live in Charleston,” Meredith said. “It’s a college town. And this is a summer job. Surely there’s someone.”
“You’d think. But I can’t just pluck a random college student. Even with a background check they might be crazy or try and sleep with the dad. I can’t risk it. He has the most