so I can understand this logic. I think. “Any plans today?”
“I was going to call Paula.”
“Do you need the car?”
“Umm,” I shrug and start running the brush through my hair. “Can I?”
“Yes, I don’t need it.” His eyes look me up and down as I sit at the desk turned vanity table. His light brown eyes linger over certain spots but I pretend not to notice. I shouldn’t notice.
“Thank you.” I wind the bobble around my hair to hold it in place and stand to face him, trying not to meet his eyes due to the awkwardness of knowing he’s the second man to ever see me in my underwear. “How do I look?”
“Pregnant,” he teases. I waddle past him, punching his arm as I go. “Oh and one more thing…” He throws me his car keys and I catch them clumsily. “No food or drink in the car.”
“Okay.” I start towards the stairs.
“Another thing.” I look over my shoulder and see him strolling towards me, so I turn to face him. “Go grocery shopping, buy what you want… within reason. No peanuts, no liver, nothing that’s damaging.”
“Really?” I smile. Oh my god I’m smiling. He notices too and his eyes go to my mouth, his face softening.
“Really.” He holds out his wallet.
“You want me to take your wallet?”
“It only has notes in it,” he responds with a shrug.
My smile gets wider. “I should say no but I’m too excited for cake.” The moment gets better when he smiles too. “Thank you, Nathan. I thought you wanted to come?”
“And deny the house cook her chance to shine?” I like this Nathan; he’s all friendly and teasing. It suits him, oddly enough.
“Have fun, drive safe.”
“Promise,” I say and descend the stairs. “Do you want anything while I’m out?”
“No.” I start to move again. Then I halt because he calls my name.
“Yes?” I add extra emphasis on the S, my eyes narrowed suspiciously. He’s stalling… but why?
“You don’t just look pregnant.” He takes a step down, his eyes coming to mine.
“I don’t?”
“No.” He shakes his head, his breath leaving him. “You look beautiful.”
My breath leaves me too. I… it’s… they… but…
“See you soon,” I shout quickly as my hand closes around the handle and pulls it open and close the door behind me. What the fuck was that? Maybe I shouldn’t swear but that was cause for cursing.
You look beautiful.
You look beautiful.
You look beautiful.
Is this a platonic compliment? Surely he wouldn’t… couldn’t even think about such a thing. I’ve only just lost Caleb. It’s only been a month since his funeral.
This is so messed up.
I’m reading into it. All I ever do is overanalyse things.
Nathan is aloof and mean but he’s also not. In fact, I’m wondering now if the Nathan I knew is even the real Nathan at all. Which leads me to wonder why such a clearly sweet, kind, generous and handsome man would ever put on such a horrid mask.
His desperation to have me stay clearly runs deeper into him than I realised. Or maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know him well enough to make that judgement, but I also saw a broken man in his eyes. Is that because he lost his brother or is that because of something deeper?
Why am I overanalysing everything again? Is my mind really that desperate to think of anything but Caleb and what I’ve lost?
Am I trying to find someone more broken than myself?
******
Even though I said she didn’t have to, Paula also escorts me around the supermarket after three hours of traipsing mindlessly through the village. It’s a few miles out of town but it’s big enough and has everything we need. I’m grateful that she pushes the trolley. My back is killing me.
“So what are your plans now that you’re here?” She asks as I throw a variety of sauces into the trolley. A home isn’t a home if you don’t have condiments.
“To have the baby. That’s all I’ve figured out so far,” I admit and wince when she smiles with pity.
“How long do you have left, dear?”
“About seventeen weeks, if the baby waits that long.”
I turn down the bakery aisle and instantly start grabbing things from the shelves. Paula continues light conversation, asking if I have everything I need, nursery wise.
I don’t have everything I need. I don’t even have bottles or nappies. Damn, I really need to get my head together. Will the baby be in my room or will they be in a nursery? Where’s he or