Oh. Well I wasn’t expecting that. “That’s brilliant, thank you.”
“No problem.” I pass him a small bowl and gasp when it shatters on the ground after our fingers connect ever so slightly. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve been more careful with my hand.” I immediately crouch and start picking up the shards.
Nathan whips off his gloves and immediately goes to the sink to wash his hands. He does realise I didn’t actually touch his skin, right? “It just shocked me. I should have been more careful,” he says calmly but I can see the stress in his eyes. “Leave that. You’ll cut yourself. I’ll get the sweeping brush.”
I stand and search for the dustpan and brush as he sweeps the entire area into one small pile. After scooping them up, I tip them in the bin and watch him wash his hands again.
Placing a napkin over his fingertips, he opens a nearby drawer and pulls out another pair of the same style gloves. He really has a problem.
“We good?” I ask, tilting my head to the side.
He nods, flexing his fingers inside the leather. “I apologize for startling you.”
I’m shocked. He sounds genuinely apologetic. I go to place my hand on his arm as a way to comfort him but think better of it and take a step back. “It was an accident. Could have happened to anyone.”
His eyes linger on my face for a long while and I look away, unwilling to decipher the emotion in them.
“Gwen…” He lets out a breath and stalks from the room.
What was he going to say? Probably apologize again or maybe a thank you.
My thoughts don’t linger on this as I get back to the cleaning. My stomach rolls and turns as the baby tries to get comfortable. I pat my swollen belly affectionately and retire for the night.
******
Nathan has left before breakfast, leaving me to deal with the delivery of my new laptop. I set it up immediately, eager to play. I have to admit that it’s a very good laptop and obviously expensive. This makes me feel even worse about my opinion of Nathan. Sure he may be moody and a bit of an introvert and sometimes rude, not to mention the fact he can be mean and tactless, but he’s trying to help. Whether that’s due to guilt or loyalty to his brother, I don’t know. Either way, he’s still helping and he’s still providing me with anything I require.
When collecting the password from the fridge, I notice Nathan’s mobile number underneath the pin. I set up the WI-FI and contemplate for a while whether or not I should text him.
I decide yes.
Gwen: Thank you for the laptop. It’s great. G x
He doesn’t respond but I don’t expect or need him to.
I sit and have a cup of tea with Jeanine before she leaves and watch videos on YouTube. They’re funny videos that should crack even the coldest of souls, yet none of them even draw a smile from me.
I wonder if I’ll ever feel the same but then I realise I don’t think I ever want to. Gone is the bubbly girl who smiled at everything and in her place is the girl who found her fiancé dead beside her only five months before the arrival of their baby.
I keep reminding myself that it has hardly been any time at all and grief takes time to settle. It’ll always be there but it will settle eventually. I’m still grieving… aren’t I?
Sure I get sad when I think about Caleb, but other than that I don’t feel anything at all. I’m in a constant state of numbness.
******
“I don’t agree,” I add to the conversation between myself, Paula and her friend Daisy who has met us for lunch. “The best unscripted ingredients are a dash of cinnamon and a spoonful of mayonnaise.”
“Codswallop.” Paula waves me off. “Everybody knows if you warm the batter first and add nutmeg it tastes divine.”
Daisy chuckles. “Let’s agree to disagree.”
It feels good to be talking about food again. It feels like it’s been years since I last attended University. In reality it has been a little over four weeks. It’s only been a little over five weeks since the love of my life died and I’m feeling something other than numb.
It’s not happiness or contentedness, but it’s something above the darkness that I’ve succumbed to of late.
It makes me feel guilty.
I was happy over food. If anything could spark an emotion after Caleb’s death,