than I care to admit.” Snort. That’s true. I cringe a little. “I think the panic overrode my fears at the time because I found it didn’t bother me. I was too worried about you.” His hand leaves Dillan’s back and rests on my thigh. “Before he was born I was worried I’d run from the nappies, vomit and snotty events that will likely happen in the future. But seeing him born,” his closed lip smile widens and his lips part, showing his shiny white teeth as his eyes gaze upon my son. “I’ve never witnessed anything so disgusting.” My mouth drops open as I feign offence. He chuckles and continues, “Or amazing in my entire life. Nothing he can produce bothers me.” His eyes come back to mine and my breath fails. “Or you. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve spent so much time together or because I’ve already been covered in your bodily fluids.” Nice way of putting it. A soft look comes over his eyes and once again I’m shown a flash of vulnerability that makes Nathan seem so much younger than he is. “I don’t mind touching you anymore. In fact… I’ve come to enjoy the contact.”
My eyes burn, knowing that in some small way I’ve helped him along with the healing process. Even if it only applies to me and Dillan, I’m glad to have helped in some way. “You’re an amazing person, Nathan.”
His tongue comes out to tease his lower lip, his eyes going back to the window where they were looking when I first walked in. “I’ll never intentionally hurt you. You know that right?”
Well that’s a random conversation flip. “I know.” And I do know. I trust him more than anyone else.
The mysteriousness of this new conversation doesn’t end. “I make a lot of mistakes when I’m mad. I didn’t…” He pauses, thinking on his words for a moment. “I didn’t have the best upbringing. That’s not to say I want you to feel obligated to me in any way. I just want you to know that I’m not used to being this close to somebody. Even Caleb. I’ve always been secluded.” He laughs coolly, his lips a thin line. “I don’t even have any friends.”
“I’m your friend.”
“Yes.” His eyes become distant for a moment. “You are. But just know that whatever I do, if it hurts you, it’s not intentional. I just don’t know how to do this.”
“What are you talking about?” Why do I get the feeling like he’s warning me for something that has yet to come?
“Nothing, I’m just pointing out a major flaw in my personality.” He sighs long and deeply, the lines around his eyes showing how many concerns he has on his mind.
I don’t say anything. I’m not sure what to say. Instead I slide onto his lap, mindful of the baby on his chest, and rest my head against his neck. He presses his lips to my hair and strokes my arm with his free hand.
******
“Oh my god, look at him!” My mum sniffs and cradles Dillan to her bosom.
Nathan keeps his eyes on his newspaper but the way he spreads it out is slightly more aggressive than usual, his arms jerking to flick it in the air, stopping it from bending. He really doesn’t like my mum and she’s only been here an hour.
“And look at you, I wish my body got back to normal that fast.” She gives me a pout whilst eyeing me up and down. Her gaze is nothing but friendly though so I don’t mind it. “And I love the name. Dillan suits him.”
“Nathan picked it,” I blurt, feeling the need to give him the credit he deserves. “His middle name is Caleb.” I picked that for obvious reasons.
“Beautiful.” She beams and places her finger in Dillan’s hand. He squeezes it, his eyes now open and unfocused. I’m eager to see whose colour eyes he gets. “I’m so proud of you.” She looks at Nathan. “And you, for stepping up when it wasn’t your job to. Your parents must be proud.”
Nathan seems shocked by her words and his demeanour towards my mum softens after this.
I’m exhausted. I haven’t slept for three weeks since Dillan was born. I find napping when the baby naps is the best way to stop myself from crashing during the day. My mum is also here for a few days, which is great. She’s going to teach me how to express milk. I can’t for