the couch because these are clearly instruments of seduction and I am not falling for them again.
The door bangs once more and he’s back inside. I wait for him to say something about the night before last but instead he says, “So I’m on a ladder cleaning the gutters and I hear this thud from inside the house and the sound of something falling over. I figure it’s Archie, the island dog, but something tells me to check, so I go inside and there’s this bird flying around. And the dog is happy as shit because all he wants is the bird, and I get him out of there so he won’t be able to catch it. And I’m looking for something—a broom, a towel—and I’m gone for, like, thirty seconds when I hear a scream that sounds like a human sacrifice. I figure the dog’s gotten back in, but no, I can see him on the porch, so I run in and that’s when I see the snake. Which is now eating the bird.”
“Do things like this happen a lot here?”
“Be more specific.”
“Bird plus dog plus snake in house equals Jeremiah Crew, wild-animal wrangler.”
“Wild-animal wrangler.” He looks up toward the ceiling, giving this some thought. “I like it.” He drops onto the couch—the couch—and says, “What’s up, Captain?”
“Can I talk to you?”
“Let me guess, you want to know if I’m your boyfriend.”
“Don’t flatter yourself.”
“I mean, sure, if you want me to be.” He waggles his eyebrows and pats the sofa. “I get it. You want another round.”
“No.”
“Ouch.”
“I mean, it wasn’t horrible.”
“Great.”
“I just have something to tell you.”
It’s no big deal. He won’t even care. He’ll probably even be like, “So what?” But I keep standing there, not sitting, shifting from one leg to the other, scratching bug bites, running a hand over my hair, tucking it behind my ear even though there’s nothing to tuck.
“Are you planning on telling me today?”
“I’m a virgin. Was a virgin.”
“When?”
“Two nights ago. Before we had sex.”
“You’re serious?”
Part of me breathes this sigh of relief: Oh, thank God I didn’t bleed on his couch.
I say, “No. Which is one reason I think I got a little weird earlier. I saw you with Wednesday and suddenly I’m like, What am I doing? I barely know you, and right now I barely know myself—”
“So let me get this straight. I ask if you’re sure and you’re like, ‘Oh yeah, I’m sure, just give me some vodka—’ ”
“I didn’t say it like that, and I didn’t drink the—”
“And suddenly we’re doing it, and I ask you again if you’re sure, and now you’re telling me that was your first time?”
“Yeah.”
“Shit.” And he’s not smiling anymore. He rubs his head, rakes his hands through his hair, stares at the floor like he’s trying to memorize the Magna Carta.
“Say something.” Coming clean makes me feel immediately lighter. At the same time, I feel the tears forming behind my eyes because I can see he’s upset.
“Shit.” He looks at me. Looks away. “That’s all I got. Shit shit shit.”
“I’m okay. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Thanks, that’s comforting.”
“I’m serious. I knew what I was doing.”
He looks at me again, and the way he’s looking at me makes me wish he wouldn’t. “Did you ever think that maybe I should know too? Like, maybe I’d want to know that bit of info?”
“I thought guys got off on virgins.”
“Jesus, Captain.”
“What?”
“We’re not all douchebags.”
“I didn’t say that—”
“So now I’m the asshole. Hooking up with a girl I find both interesting and hot, and I’m not sure I would’ve done that if I’d known. It was your first time. It should have been, I don’t know, special. I could have made it special.”
“See, that’s why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want special. I wanted normal. I don’t want to call attention to it like I’m some freak. And it’s not like I needed you to tell me you love me, and I didn’t want you to feel obligated to say you’re my boyfriend.” I’m starting to get a little mad.
“Wow. Okay. So why me? You just thought, Hey, he’s fun. I’ll get my rocks off and I can tell all my friends back home that I scored with the island boy?”
“Isn’t that what you did with me? Scoring with the summer girl?” Isn’t that what you did last summer with Wednesday?
“I don’t know. Maybe. That’s not the point.”
“I’ve just been waiting all this time, and I was finally like, What