other teeth on account of I tripped over that taxidermy armadillo in the garage and broke off part of my tooth. Well, there I was, gassed to high heaven and waiting for the molding to harden, when this dreamboat walks into the room and says, ‘Ms. O’Keefe, you have the prettiest bicuspids I have ever had the pleasure of x-raying.’ My goodness, Ellie, I think I fell in love with him that very moment!”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. My mother, who’s lectured me my entire life to be wary of men and not to give away my heart too quickly, has fallen head-over-heels for a man who picked her up using dental terminology?
“W-wow,” I stutter, “that sounds…wow. How long have you been seeing him?”
“We’ve been pretty hot and heavy for about six weeks now. I wanted to tell you sooner but it’s just so exciting and, really, it’s been a whirlwind romance. Oh, Ellie, honey, we’re getting married in three weeks.”
Okay, this is what going insane must feel like. I shake my head to clear away the daydream I must be stuck in and offer my mother a rather eloquent and poignant, “Huh?”
“I know it seems soon, but what can I say? I’m in love.” I can hear her smile all the way from Scottsdale. My mama, scum-magnet turned bachelorette extraordinaire, has fallen in love. I should feel happy for her but instead I feel…let down. She’s my mom and she’s fifty-two years old. What right does she have to fall in love like some school girl when I can’t find a single decent guy to date?
“That’s great, Mama. Really, I mean, that sounds real, real good.”
I can hear my mom’s smile drop on the other end of the line. She sighs softly and for once in her life, she seems reluctant to fill the silence in the conversation.
“Ellie, I’m happy, honey. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. I know it’s going to take some getting used to, but I need your support. Vernon is a good man. He wants to take care of me, to love me, and I’m going to let him. Please be happy for me.”
I suddenly feel like a piece of S-H-I-T for letting my mom down with my poor attitude. She’s been alone for so long, she deserves the love of a good man, a man she loves and is excited about. I paste a big smile on my face, knowing she’ll be able to hear it when I speak. “Of course I’m happy for you. I can’t wait to meet him.”
“Well, you’ll be getting that chance very soon!” she squeals. “And, Ellie, I want you to give me away and be my Maid of Honor. Will you?” Her voice has resumed its former happy, excited tone and, as crazy as I think she is for getting engaged to a man she met while drugged six weeks ago, I want to be happy for her.
“Of course, Mama, I would love to.”
My mom, in girlish excitement, fills me in on the wedding itinerary before we say goodbye. There’s no time for a bridal shower or bachelorette party and anyway, she feels too old for all the normal wedding nonsense. The ‘I Do’s’ will take place at Vernon’s country club and it’ll be small with only fifty guests or so. My invitation, plus one, should arrive this week. There was a lot of unnecessary emphasis placed on the “plus one.”
Great, now in addition to avoiding both Tim and Sam, I have to prepare for the inevitable, “Are you still single?” questions that are bound to come from any number of relatives at the wedding.
I make my way out of the stockroom just in time to see Brook come bounding into the shop in her usual skin-tight mini dress and stiletto pumps. She seems unusually excited today, highlighted extensions flying to and fro as she drops two plastic shopping bags on the counter.
“Amber, stop poking Noel and get over here.”
Amber reluctantly places the Noel voodoo doll on her chair and wanders to the counter. Brook, panting with excitement, is waving energetically for us both to hurry up.
“Girls, you will never believe what I have in these bags!” she says.
“Human hair,” Amber guesses.
“No.”
“Human finger nail clippings.”
“No, and, sugar, I really worry about you. They’re our uniforms for the Harlow County Corn Festival booth for Brook’s Bath and Body Shop!” She claps her hands excitedly and lapses into a little dance.