Brazen Girl by Ali Dean Page 0,5
is too strong. Dropping my towel, I let myself give in to the pull he has on me, snuggling close and relishing the way he holds me.
Beck doesn’t say anything for a long while, peppering kisses on my forehead, cheeks, and shoulders.
“How do you feel?”
My thigh slides over his boxers, the firm length of him making me forget everything else. As I lean forward to kiss him, Beck moves a finger between our lips, stopping me. “Jordan, how are you feeling?”
“Better, rested. And like you might expect of a girl naked in bed with her super hot boyfriend.”
Beck lets me kiss him then, and when he makes love to me it’s slow and gentle, which I’m not really sure is what I want or need right now. The tenderness in his movements, in his eyes, in his touch, I can’t handle it, and it almost makes me want to cry even as it sends me over the edge again and again.
Beck holds me after, and while my body is warm and happy, a sadness I’ve never felt before weighs on me like a blanket.
“Are you crying?” Beck asks, pulling back to look at me. I hadn’t even noticed, but when I touch my cheeks, they’re wet.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
He pulls me tight again. “Hey, I made a decision last night. I’m not doing Shred Live, okay? I’m going to be here for you.”
I sit up so fast my head spins. “No, don’t do that, Beck.”
Beck sits up next to me, leaning back on his hands. “Why? I should have done it weeks ago.”
“Because of all the reasons we’ve already talked about. Getting out of that contract will be a legal nightmare for you, plus a PR nightmare. It will negatively impact Brazen, and me too.”
Beck takes my hands. “It won’t. It will be worse if I go forward with it. We both know that no matter what, it’s too late to keep you in the shadows. At least now I’ll be with you.”
“No, Beck. Don’t do it.”
We have a silent stare-down. He’s not going to accept what I want to say. I don’t want to fight about it, and I know he won’t like it. But I need to get it out, before he does something he shouldn’t.
“Beck, I’m not cut out for this. Any of it.”
“You are, of course you are, Jordan. It’s been a lot to handle, and it’s happened fast. But we’ve got the police involved with the stalker stuff. You can take a break from social media, as long as you want. You’re forced to take a break from skateboarding, so competitions will be on hold too. In a couple of months, you’ll be ready to get after it again.”
The weight of grief returns at the idea of never competing again, of only ever having that little taste of it. But with competition comes everything else, and I don’t want to ruin skateboarding more than I may have already. I can’t go on wondering when a panic attack will hit me again.
“I haven’t had anxiety, not the kind that really got to me, in years, Beck. It was something I thought I’d outgrown. Now it’s coming back, and it’s worse.” I pull my hands out of his and slide off the bed, repeating my earlier words. “I’m not cut out for this like you are. Like Griff, Taylor, or even Naomi or Summer. I’m different. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But it’s not worth it to me.”
Beck’s right behind me as I reach for clean panties and slide them on. “So you don’t want to compete? You don’t want to rep Brazen?”
“I thought that maybe I wanted it. I gave it a try. But it’s not what I want. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize, Jordan. Not to me. But you also don’t have to make a decision today, or even tomorrow or next week. That crash was serious yesterday. Give yourself some time to think it through.”
I already knew exactly how Beck would respond to this when I was lying in bed this morning, and in the shower. I played the conversation out in my head, and Beck’s acting just like I knew he would. Compassionate. Sympathetic. Reasonable. Understanding. But not a pushover either. I know this man so well, and when I turn to face him, it takes all my strength to tell him the rest of my decision.
“I need a break from all of it, Beck. I don’t think I’m cut