Brazen Girl by Ali Dean Page 0,23
ones?”
“The ones you told us about the other night. I’d seen some of the comments, but you said you got direct messages too.”
“I did. Some were pretty nasty, but that’s not why I’m not coming with you to the park.” I don’t even sound convincing to my own ears. Is that really all this is about?
“I mean, it’s not that I’m worried I’ll stir up more comments and messages. I don’t even have social media anymore,” I clarify, for myself as much as Levi. I open my mouth to explain what exactly is the hold up, but nothing comes out. How do I articulate that it’s all in my head, my chest, my veins? It’s a tension inside me, a darkness that takes over and paralyzes me, and sometimes suffocates too. There’s nothing tangible about it, all I know is that it flares right back up when I try to get on a skateboard, or even watch others skateboard. My heart rate picks up just talking about it. It’s like I’ve got anxiety about having anxiety.
“Which messages are the ones that get in your head the most?” Levi asks, and my eyes snap up to meet his. After years remembering Levi as a victim of bullying, I’ve nearly forgotten about that part of his past entirely over the past month. The guy doesn’t seem capable of being brought down by another’s nasty words, not anymore at least.
“One account said she wondered if Beck or Griff would have given me the time of day if I couldn’t skateboard. That she wished I’d break my legs so I couldn’t skate anymore. Another actually took a picture of me going into Beck and Griff’s building and warned me to stay away.”
Then I admit something for the first time. “That person’s probably more dangerous, but it’s the messages that go after me personally or after my relationship with Beck that get in my head the most.”
Levi places his hands on my shoulders. “People will tell you, don’t let those stupid insults get to you, and they’re right. But for me at least, I couldn’t help it. The taunting about my sexuality back in seventh grade got to me. I didn’t want it to, but it did. That’s because coming out was still new to me, and I wasn’t sure what it meant about my self-worth. Before I could say, “Fuck them,” I had to come to terms with what it meant to me to be gay, accept it, get confidence in it, own it. Maybe it’s the same with you.”
I think about what he’s saying, because I want to be like Levi. He used to cry when guys like Tanner said mean things to him, and now he laughs it off.
Levi keeps talking. “I know what you’re dealing with is different, but instead of avoiding situations that will make the words come back, whether in your head or on social media or in person, maybe you need to come to terms with your self-worth. Or your value when it comes to Beck and your friends. Or your identity as a pro skateboarder. Maybe it’s about your confidence in your relationship with Beck.”
I’m already shaking my head at this last statement because I know it’s not about me and Beck. At least not about us being together. I’ve got confidence in the two of us, there’s no doubt there. Levi’s right, this is about me.
Levi must know what I’m thinking because he smiles a little. “Or maybe your relationship with Beck is just fine, you just need to accept it.” He shrugs. “I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know what’s getting at you the most, but I know for me, I was never gonna be able to face the world or the bullies if I didn’t get some confidence behind being gay. It didn’t happen overnight, but once it did, I could honestly brush off the haters without it getting to me. Maybe there won’t always be mean people trolling social media for you, but for me, unfortunately there will always be homophobic assholes like Tanner.”
I’m getting too emotional and choked up to talk so I just open my arms for a hug. When we pull away, I do shove him toward the door this time. “Thanks, Levi. You’re right about all of it. Now go get in the car. I’m sort of surprised they haven’t started honking.”
“Wait, that didn’t get you to want to come with us after all?”
“No, I really