Brazen and Breathless (Untouchable #6) - Heather Long Page 0,44

we were there, that fear was just…I don’t want to say gone, but diminished? I guess that’s the right word.”

I was rambling, but it was like the floodgates opened.

Leaning forward, I clasped my knees and stared at her, but I wasn’t really seeing Erin or her office. It was like I was staring back at the lodge at the five of us just hanging out. No pressure. “They listen when even I don’t know I need to be heard. Sometimes, they hear the things I’m not saying. Don’t get me wrong, they’re not perfect. Far from it. And neither am I, but they are perfectly imperfect and I love them, flaws and all, and they love me.”

That thought ballooned in my chest.

“They care about me, and not just because of how I make them look or how I make them feel. My feelings are important to them. Archie got us tickets to see one of my favorite bands. I’ve never been to a concert before, but he wanted us to all go and he made it happen. We went skiing and played video games—okay, they mostly played because I can only play so many shoot ’em ups, but…we could just be together in the same room, and it was good.”

I licked my lips.

“And I didn’t miss Maddy, not once. I was glad she wasn’t a part of it. On Christmas day, Coop, Jake, and Ian, they all went to call their families and have some time with them, and there’s me and Archie and we’re cuddled up together on the sofa with a fire in the fireplace and the Christmas lights on the tree twinkling with snow in the window. It was a fucking Hallmark movie moment…” I winced. “Sorry, it was like something out of a fairytale, and it was perfect. She’s not tainting it.”

Erin smiled at me, the encouragement in her quiet relaxed manner. “Do you think you’ll be able to make your peace with your mother?”

“I don’t have to make peace with her.” Before the words came out of my mouth, I hadn’t realized how true they were. “I didn’t do anything wrong. I was the kid. I might not have been perfect, but if the guys can love me? Even when I’m sometimes blind or silly or obsessed with my schedule and my homework… If they can love me, then I’m lovable. So why doesn’t she?”

“Do you love her?”

I exhaled, and my grip on my knees tightened. I wanted to say no. I wanted to say I didn’t give a damn about her. That she didn’t deserve it.

“I wish I didn’t, sometimes. I really do. Coop’s sister is fighting with her mom right now, and she’s so angry with her and so hurt and she’s really obnoxious about it.” I licked my lips and shook my head. “But she can be because Carly is never not going to be there for her. She doesn’t see it, not like I can. She looks at me and seems to envy me the freedom I have. But I’d trade it for a good mom, someone I could trust, who would have my back and care enough to fight with me, to fight me for me, but…Maddy is never going to be that woman and I still love her. Because as much as I hate her sometimes, I don’t want to hate her. I just want her to love me.”

Chapter Nine

On the Clock

The butterflies in my stomach had butterflies. It didn’t help that Archie fumed in the hall as I pulled my hair back into a braid and up. Quiet fury churned the air around us and turned it positively electric. I almost didn’t want to breathe too hard in case it set him off. I was supposed to be interning in an actual office, so I’d gone for business casual as per the instructions.

“I know you’re not happy,” I said, trying for the third time to broach this discussion with him, but since he’d taken the day to go see his father, he’d pretty much seethed any time the discussion came up. He’d also asked me to drop out of the program if they wouldn’t change my assignment.

No, they wouldn’t change it—I had, in fact, asked—and I’d wrestled with whether to just drop the program altogether. No, I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I also didn’t want to work with Mr. Standish on anything. But at the same time…

“Not happy is an understatement,” Archie said as he shoved away