I walk over, grabbing a paper towel from the dispenser and giving it to him. “We’ve got to get past this, man. You’re my brother.”
He blots at his lip and shuffles to his feet. Staring at me, he opens his mouth as if he wants to say something, but then he doesn’t, his teeth clamping together.
“What?”
Misery plays over his face and he pinches the skin between his nose. “I need to tell you something about the night Willow died.”
Dread crawls over me. “Okay.”
An audible breath leaves his mouth. “The night of the party…you told me to tell Willow you needed to think about the baby and figure things out, but I didn’t tell her. I let her assume whatever she wanted about your absence. I don’t know what she was thinking, but she was worried, and I didn’t say a goddamn word.”
I frown. “But you said you did. You said you told her I was just thinking.”
“I lied.” His gaze holds mine.
I swallow. “Why?”
He paces around the kitchen, his hands rubbing at his face. I see a drop of blood forming on his lip again.
“Why?” I repeat, this time sharper. Reece is my brother, but if he’s lied to me or held something back… “Reece? What the fuck?”
He stops, his face white. “We sat outside talking, and I kissed her, man. I kissed her…and she kissed me back. She was so pretty and I wanted her…” He stops, his voice off. “I loved her, and it was my one shot, because I really thought you guys might break up since you were going to college, and she and I would still be there, and I didn’t even care that she was pregnant. I just wanted her.”
I ease down the cabinets until I’m sitting on the floor.
His fists curl. “I’m sorry I never told you.”
I lean my head back against the wood, my head spinning. I blink rapidly.
He pulls at his hair. “I’m the reason she ran out of that party. Me. She felt guilty for kissing me, and I tried to stop her, but all she wanted was you. She was going to find you.” He squeezes the edge of the table. “You’ve been carrying all that guilt and…I let you.”
I rub my chest. “Why?”
He closes his eyes. “Because part of me hated you for having her heart.”
“Fuck.” A knife stabs me square in the torso.
He flips around and slams his fist into the wall, and sheetrock sprays. “I’m the reason she died on those rocks, not you.”
The silence stretches between us as I grapple, my head spinning.
“It’s taken me this long to get the balls, to man up and tell you. I’m sorry, Z. I’m sorry about your nightmares. I’m sorry about your game.” A long sigh. “I’m sorry for everything.”
I can’t think straight.
“Do you hate me?”
I don’t know.
I pull myself to standing and weave as I head to the den. I sling my backpack on and start for the door.
His voice is behind me, low and broken. “Forgive me, Z. Please. I’m living with this guilt too. Please, man.”
I pause with my hand on the doorknob, but I don’t know what to say.
“Z?”
I can’t deal with this. I want to stuff it away. I want to bury it down deep where all my other shit is.
I open the door and head out for my run.
Long minutes later, there are a million things running through my mind, and before I realize it I’m at the Quickie-Mart. I stop and take a breather, my head aching.
I think about Reece and Willow. I knew he loved her, but to actually make a move on her and then lie…
My mind is still churning when I buy my pack of smokes and light up in the alley.
The nicotine is sharp and visceral as I blow a puff of smoke up in the air. It tastes good, this little rule break, and I lean against the wall.
I think about fate and how we have no control. People come into our lives and they slip away from us. They make their own decisions. I think about how young we were, the bad decisions we made. Willow drove that car herself. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t Reece. Maybe the outcome might have been different if I’d showed up to the party or if Reece hadn’t kissed her…but there’s no certainty in that.