The Boy Who Has No Hope (Soulless #6) - Victoria Quinn Page 0,53
can’t even force it because I feel like I’m already in a relationship with Emerson. It’s not one of those obligatory situations where I’m committed because I have to be—I just don’t want to be with someone else.” I stared down at my hands for a while, feeling even more lost now that I’d shared those thoughts out loud. “I just can’t go backward. It…feels empty.” I didn’t want a twenty-one-year-old woman in my bed. I didn’t want to go to a fashion show and have a model all over me. It felt so sterile now, so meaningless. I had such a profound connection to Emerson, and I wanted more of that. She was the sexiest woman in the world to me. Why would I want someone else?
He was quiet for a long time, as if he was dissecting all of my words. “Why don’t you want a relationship with her daughter?”
“Because I don’t like kids.” I was totally honest with my dad because his love was unconditional. “I barely get along with people in general, you know. A kid that’s not even mine…I don’t want to do that.”
“Have you ever been around a kid?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t think you have the experience to say you don’t like kids.”
“Well, I don’t like most people, so…”
“Kids are much easier to get along with, if you ask me. They have an innocence that makes them relatable. They’re excited about things. It’s a joy to watch them grow into good people. I think if you spent time with her daughter, you would feel differently.”
I shrugged. “I’m not the father type.”
“Your mother had no experience with kids, and she loved you like you were hers.”
I dropped my gaze. “I know, but I’m not Mom.”
“You deserve more credit than that, Derek.”
“I don’t even want kids of my own…”
Dad gave a quiet sigh. “You say that now, but you’ll feel differently.”
“I really don’t think so, Dad.”
He rubbed his hands together as he composed his thoughts. He always took a long time to think things through before he said them out loud. “When Valerie told me she was pregnant with you, I didn’t want you.”
I stilled at his confession, surprised by his candor. I turned to look at him.
“I even wanted her to get an abortion. She said no. And then you were born…and I loved you more than anything in the world. I’m so ashamed that I ever said that to her, and I’m so grateful Valerie said no. You were born, and then you were my best friend. I understand your reservations, Derek. But trust me, it’s the greatest joy you’ll ever experience. When your mom said she wanted to have more kids, I was hesitant…until she was pregnant with your brother. Then after Daisy was born, I was the one who wanted to have another one, and she said she was done.”
I wasn’t hurt by his confession because all I’d ever felt every single day was his unconditional love. There was never a doubt in my mind that I was the light of his life, that he wouldn’t know what to do if he ever lost me. “Maybe you’re right, but I still don’t want to be a stepfather. If it were my own kid, maybe I would feel that way—but this is a twelve-year-old girl. I wish Emerson had told me the truth when we met. Then I never would have developed these feelings for her at all.”
He turned back to me, his eyebrow raised. “You really think it would have made a difference?”
I didn’t answer.
“Derek, what you’re describing is pretty deep, so I really don’t think knowing about her daughter would have changed anything. You wouldn’t be here talking to me about this unless your emotions were consuming you. Whenever I try to talk to you about this stuff, you’re closed like a clam, but here you are…lost.”
I stared at the floor.
“Are you really going to lose this woman because of this? You really think you’re ever going to feel this way about anyone else?”
No.
“Because it’s been ten years since your last relationship, Derek. She’s the first woman to bring you back to life. Don’t lose her just because you have two women to love instead of one.”
Thirteen
Emerson
I stepped inside the lab with the bag of dinner. Pierre and Jerome had left at five, like normal people, but Derek lingered, his mind occupied with the work that remained unfinished…even though his work was always unfinished.