the only reason I’d been put on this earth was to eventually help this woman, then that was the greatest calling I could ever imagine. There was no better purpose than that.
“What about your hell, Nico?” she whispered.
My eyes shuttered. I knew the questions were bound to come. Especially after she’d finally seen my tattoo. She’d actually held off a lot longer than I’d expected her to.
“What about it?”
My voice came out flat, but there was nothing to be done for it. The hell I’d made for myself over the years wasn’t something I relished speaking about.
Which was why I never had with another living soul. Not even Cris.
“What does it look like? Feel like?”
She’d opened up about her nightmares and her burns, both painful subjects for her. Even though my own honesty cogs were rusty as hell, I owed it to her to crank them and give her whatever they churned out.
“It’s a locked house,” I confessed. “My parents’ house. A warm place I thought I would always be welcome in but that I’ve suddenly been barred from entering. My entire family is inside, smiling and laughing while they share a meal together. I’ve never seen them so happy.” I swallowed thickly. “But I’m standing outside, watching from the window. I’m cold and empty. No money, no possessions. They don’t even notice my absence. It’s as if I never existed. Or as if I’m already dead.”
I had to clear my throat when I croaked those last words. “That’s what my hell looks like, Lexi. A place and time when my family doesn’t need me and doesn’t want me. And it feels like…shame.”
Her breaths shallowed during my speech. By the end of it, she was rubbing my arm in support. “Is that where your tattoo comes from? Guilt can be to the soul what a bullet can be to the body.”
I tightened my hold on her when I felt the urge to shift away. I wanted to trust her with this. I needed her to understand because sometimes I felt like no one else did. I wanted to give Lexi the one piece of me I never thought I would hand over to anyone.
“Yes,” I rasped. “I guess you could say I put it there as a reminder. Guilt can consume a person. Like bullets, it can leave wounds, infect the body, and if ignored, it can ultimately destroy. And I realized not long ago that I didn’t want to be that weak. I didn’t want to be taken down by my own faults and insecurities. I’ve survived bullets before. I can survive my own guilt.”
“What do you feel guilty for, Nico?” Her voice was so soft I barely heard her.
Here it comes.
This was where she’d pity me.
“You were right that night we left my parents’ after Sunday lunch. Cris might as well be the eldest son. Years ago, when our father needed me to step up and take over certain responsibilities within the family, I cowered. I was young and immature. I wanted to be free to live my life however I wanted without being tied down by duty and obligation. Which was one reason why the career I went into worked out so perfectly for me. But I never stopped to think about what it meant for my family.”
“Go on,” she encouraged.
I exhaled heavily. “I made it pretty clear that I had no interest in being Dad’s righthand man. Which meant all of that fell on Cris’s shoulders. None of them ever saw me the same way again, especially Dad. He hasn’t stopped being disappointed in me since. His firstborn son basically rejected his family, his heritage, his own father’s legacy. I don’t blame him for never forgiving me. Because I’ve never forgiven myself.”
“Have you ever asked for his forgiveness?”
I shook my head sharply. “I haven’t earned it yet.”
“But you’re trying to. Aren’t you?”
An uncomfortable lump was rising in my throat, making it difficult to swallow, let alone speak. She tried to turn in my arms, but I stayed her. “No. I can’t see you look at me like I know you’re going to right now. You don’t have to make me feel better, Lexi. These are my own decisions, and I have to live with them. I’ve accepted that.”
She placed a light kiss on my arm. “Please?”
That small gesture eviscerated any fight I had left inside me. Stunned at how easily she could control me, I had no choice but to loosen my grip, allowing her to