Bootycall 2 - J. D. Hawkins Page 0,6

under the gigantic pressure of the artistic goal I’ve set my sights on. Sometimes the brilliance of everything around me, Christopher, the crew, the script, shines too bright, and I have to shut my eyes and ball up when I begin to let the doubts creep in. When the energy carries me over a cliff, then abandons me, leaving me with nothing but empty space underneath me.

And that’s when Gemma saves me again, bringing me back to reality, kicking my ass or patting my shoulder as needed, and I realize just how fucking wonderful she is.

Gemma’s not only got her shit together, she’s got my shit together as well. While I buzz and bounce off the walls in some weird unreality, where the film and my life blur, Gemma’s making sure I get to set on time. Making sure that I know well in advance what I’ll be shooting. Running lines with me, letting me know when my co-stars or crew members have whispered praises about my performance. When I start losing my shit, start panicking and sweating, wondering if it’s not too late to pull out of the entire project and go back to my comfortable life doing whatever I want – there she is.

With every little bit of help and support she provides, I begin to realize just how much I’m capable of. And just how much I need her.

But even Gemma can’t help me today.

I’ve been waiting for this scene since I first read the script, worrying about it and thinking about how I’d manage. Until now – with Gemma’s help – I’ve managed to put it aside until the day came, but today’s the day, and now there’s nowhere left to run.

“Ok, Dylan, so it’s going to be exactly like the storyboard,” Christopher says, as I nod along, pretending that my head doesn’t feel like it’s trapped in a concrete block. “The camera’s fixed on the door, your brother’s body is in the foreground. You come in, you don’t know he’s dead, you say his name a couple of times as you approach, then when you rip off the covers – he’s bleeding from his wrists, not moving. It’s horrifying, it’s a real blow, you know what I mean?”

I nod. I know exactly what he means, and it turns my stomach. Christopher goes on.

“All this time searching, fighting, never losing hope— and when you find him here it’s too late, it’s your worst nightmare, it’s just…this. The body. Ok? Just give me what you’ve got. Shock, denial, tears, anger, confusion, just let it all loose. Feel free to wreck the place, crumple in a ball, whatever you think will work, ok? We’ll see what we get and work from there.”

I nod a couple more times and breathe deeply, hoping nobody notices how out of breath I seem.

“Ok,” Christopher says, taking his place behind the monitor. “Places everyone, on your marks. The light ok, Harry? Good. Let’s roll sound. And action!”

I stand behind the door where nobody can see me for a few seconds longer than I should, Gemma’s words echoing in my mind like a gospel prayer. ‘Let your instincts kick in, Dylan, come on.’

I push open the door and see the room, the actor lying there, dead still. Is he even breathing? He doesn’t need to really hold his breath. This feels too real. I’m dizzy.

“Cut,” Christopher says. He leans forward to get my attention. “I think it would work better if you just walk in straight away when you open the—”

“Yeah,” I say, before Christopher can speak. “I know. Just froze up a little. Let me take that again.”

“You got it. Let’s roll sound.” He pauses as the camera assistant yells, ‘Take two!’ and claps the slate in front of the camera, kicking my pulse into overdrive. I take a deep, steadying breath as Christopher calls out, “And…action.”

This is it.

I push open the door and walk forward.

“John? John? Hey. John? What you doing in bed, we gotta— Ah, shit. Ok let me go again.”

“No problem, Dylan. We’re still rolling…and action.”

I go back to my mark, silently count to three, push open the door and march straight to the bed, pulling aside the covers straight away. Maybe I can just get this scene over and done with. “John!”

“Cut! Dylan. That’s way too quick. You’ve just made it into the place your brother’s been hiding all this time, you’re thinking he’s asleep, you’re thinking he’s gonna be relieved to see you, to get out of there.