The Bookish Life of Nina Hill - Abbi Waxman Page 0,82
anymore; she lay down and pulled the quilt over herself and closed her eyes. “Can I call you in a week or so? It’s all too much; the family, and now work is terrible . . . I need a few days to think and sort it all out.”
His voice was clear. “You’re not sure if I fit into your life right now?”
Nina shook her head, unable to find the right words.
She must have drifted off, because when she opened her eyes again, he was gone and Phil was sitting in the chair instead.
“Rough day?” asked the cat.
“Terrible,” she replied.
“I can catch you a mouse if you like,” he offered. “Protein is good for you.”
“I’m good,” she said, closing her eyes again.
The cat watched her face and yawned.
“Liar,” he said.
Much later, Nina woke again and lay there in the dark for a while, trying to sort out the inside of her own head. She reached for her phone and dialed a familiar number.
“Hey, Lou.”
Her nanny’s sleepy voice answered, “Hey, you.” Their traditional greeting, a rhyming couplet that always made Nina feel loved.
Louise murmured, “It’s late, baby. What’s going on?”
Nina looked at the time. “Sorry.”
“Doesn’t matter. You all right?”
“Not really.”
Nina heard a sigh, then a rustle of sheets. “Hold on, let me wake up properly, get myself some tea, and call you back. Gimme five.”
“Thanks.”
Nina sat up and rubbed her face. She piled her pillow behind her head and scratched the sheet until Phil stretched and made his way up to her side. He curled around her hand and kicked her with his bunny back feet. The phone rang.
Louise’s voice was much clearer. Nina could imagine her soft gray hair, her lined but still lovely face. Her yellow mug of tea. “OK, baby, let me have it.”
Nina took a deep breath. “Well, the first piece of news is that I have a dad.”
Louise said nothing for a moment. Then, “Well, I never reckoned your mom was the Virgin Mary type, so that makes sense.”
“She never said anything about him to you?”
“She never said. I never asked.”
“Oh. Well, he’s dead.”
Louise laughed. “Easy come, easy go. You found this out when?”
“A month ago, maybe. Something like that. I have a brother and three sisters and nieces and nephews and cousins.”
“Well, shoot,” said Louise. “That might have been nice to know. Just think of all the birthday presents you could have got.” Nina smiled. Louise continued, “But you must be freaking out. All those people.”
“Yeah, though they’re mostly really nice.”
“Great.” Louise waited. “So . . . ?”
“There’s something else. I met this guy.”
A low laugh. “I knew there was a guy in here somewhere.”
Nina started babbling. “And I really like him but it’s too much. There’s problems at work, then there’s all these new people I need to get used to, so I sort of broke up with the guy, I mean, not really broke up, but kind of, and that’s fine, but he was really wonderful so maybe I should have . . .” Her voice faltered. “I don’t know. It used to work to close it all off, but it’s not working so well anymore.”
Louise sighed, and Nina heard her take a long sip of tea. She waited.
“Well, honey, you can’t expect the same tricks to work your whole life. When you were little and things got to be too much, you’d put your hands over your ears and sing, but if you do that now you’d get some funny looks, plus you’d know that when you dropped your hands the problem would still be there. Magical thinking only works for children. And politicians, maybe.”
Nina’s voice was small. “So what do I do?”
“I don’t know, baby. The first thing you should always do is . . .” Louise waited.
“Nothing. The first thing you should always do is nothing.” Nina supplied the answer Louise had often provided over the years.
“That’s right. Wait a day or two and see what happens. Life needs space, just like you. Give it room.” The older woman paused. “How’s your anxiety?”
Nina shrugged, not that Louise could see her. “Bad.”
“It’s only doing its job, poor, overenthusiastic thing. I still remember what that therapist said: Anxiety is what kept us alive, back in the day. It helps us know when things are wrong, when situations are dangerous or people mean us harm. It’s just sometimes it gets ahead of itself, right?”
Nina nodded. “I know.”
“So, do nothing, let yourself calm down, take some deep breaths, and wait. Your anxiety will pass;