in your own soul dies each time you make the choice for another. I saw what Juliette’s death did to you, and Champier’s, too.”
“I didn’t have a choice in those cases. Not really.” Champier would have taken all my memories and hurt the people who were trying to help me. Juliette had been trying to kill Matthew—and would have succeeded had I not called on the goddess.
“Yes you did.” Matthew pressed a kiss on my knuckles. “You chose death for them, just as you chose life for me, life for Louisa and Kit even though they tried to harm you, life for Jack when you brought him to our house in the Blackfriars instead of leaving him on the street to starve, life for baby Grace when you rescued her from the fire. Whether you realize it or not, you paid a price every time.”
I knew the price I’d paid for Matthew’s survival, though he did not: My life belonged to the goddess for as long as she saw fit.
“Philippe was the only other creature I’ve ever known who made life-or-death decisions as quickly and instinctively as you. The price that Philippe paid was terrible loneliness, one that grew over time.
Not even Ysabeau could banish it.” Matthew rested his forehead against mine. “I don’t want that to be your fate.”
But my fate was not my own. It was time to tell Matthew so.
“The night I saved you. Do you remember it?” I asked.
Matthew nodded. He didn’t like to talk about the night we’d both almost lost our lives.
“The maiden and the crone were there—two aspects of the goddess.” My heart was hammering.
“We called Ysabeau after you fixed me up, and I told her I’d seen them.” I searched his face for signs of understanding, but he still looked bewildered. “I didn’t save you, Matthew. The goddess did. I asked her to do it.”
His fingers dug into my arm. “Tell me you didn’t strike a bargain with her in exchange.”
“You were dying, and I didn’t have enough power to heal you.” I gripped his shirt, afraid of how he would react to my next revelation. “My blood wouldn’t have been enough. But the goddess drew the life out of that ancient oak tree so I could feed it to you through my veins.”
“And in return?” Matthew’s hands tightened, lifting me until my feet were barely touching the ground. “Your gods and goddesses don’t grant boons without getting something back. Philippe taught me that.”
“I told her to take anyone, anything, so long as she saved you.”
Matthew let go abruptly. “Emily?”
“No.” I shook my head. “The goddess wanted a life for a life—not a death for a life. She chose mine.” My eyes filled with tears at the look of betrayal I saw on his face. “I didn’t know her decision until I wove my first spell. I saw her then. The goddess said she still had work for me to do.”
“We’re going to fix this.” Matthew practically dragged me in the direction of the garden gate.
Under the dark sky, the moonflowers that covered it were the only signposts to illuminate our way. We reached the crossroads quickly. Matthew pushed me to the center.
“We can’t,” I protested.
“If you can weave the tenth knot, you can dissolve whatever promise you made to the goddess,” he said roughly.
“No!” My stomach clenched, and my chest started to burn. “This is the goddess. I can’t just wave my hand and make our agreement disappear.”
The dead branches of an ancient oak, the one the goddess had sacrificed so that Matthew would live, were barely visible. Under my feet the earth seemed to shift. I looked down and saw that I was straddling the center of the crossroads. The burning sensation in my heart extended down my arms and into my fingers.
“You will not bind your future to some capricious deity. Not for my sake,” Matthew said, his voice shaking with fury.
“Don’t speak ill of the goddess here,” I warned. “I didn’t go to your church and mock your god.”
“If you won’t break your promise to the goddess, then use your magic to summon her.” Matthew joined me where the paths converged.
“Get out of the crossroads, Matthew.” The wind was swirling around my feet in a magical storm.
Corra shrieked through the night sky, trailing fire like a comet. She circled above us, crying out in warning.
“Not until you call her.” Matthew’s feet remained where they were. “You won’t pay for my life with your own.”