What’s the last thing I remember? I can’t be sure. Maybe it was Nic calling me a ‘Stupid-Fucking-Bitch’. She was behind me with one arm around my neck. I shut my eyes and wondered what to do. I wasn’t strong enough to keep on fighting. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t turn around. There was really only one thing left to do, which was the one thing Nic didn’t expect. I pulled my elbows in and dug deep into her sides, throwing my whole body into reverse, ramming us both backwards. You have to understand I just wanted to get free. I don’t think I realised we were so close to the edge and by then I didn’t care.
I heard myself shriek from the effort, and that’s it. Suddenly Nic wasn’t holding on to me anymore and I was spinning round and falling onto grass. I was soaked through and gasping for breath, but alone. Completely alone. As I sat up I realised how close I was to the cliff edge. I quickly pulled myself back a few inches. The lights on Herm had disappeared. I stared out at the blackness and reminded myself to breathe. Then I looked to my left and to my right. Nic had gone, but where had she gone? I didn’t understand at first, and then, when I realised, I was just too scared to look. The cliff was there, right in front of me. A sheer, dead drop. I checked all around, saw the shape of the benches behind me, and slowly I leaned forward, digging my fingers into the soggy earth. I called Nic’s name. Nothing came back. There were flashes of white foam rising up out of the darkness, then vanishing as quickly.
I couldn’t stand up so I crawled towards the nearest bench and pulled myself onto it. My teeth started chattering like those wind-up toys you get in Christmas crackers. I hugged myself and waited. It was too unbelievable. Had Nic gone over the cliff? She must’ve done. But I couldn’t understand why we hadn’t fallen together. She’d been holding me so tightly.
Then I decided Nic wasn’t dead at all. I looked over my shoulder to check she wasn’t about to jump out at me. I called for her to stop mucking about. I even laughed. After about ten minutes I went and rattled the padlocks on the tunnel entrance.
‘Come on!’ I screamed. ‘I’ve had enough!’
You can’t blame me for thinking it was all some stupid stunt. I half-imagined Jason and Pete or even Pagey would come out of the bushes, going ‘Ha-ha, Fatso!’ Nic could’ve faked all of it, she could’ve done! So I told myself it was a joke. I sat, huddled next to the tunnel entrance, and I waited for someone to deliver the punchline.
I waited and waited. I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything. The world went blank. I was numb with cold and shock. The only thing I remember was thinking about Mum and Dad and how easy it was to die. I was crying, most definitely, when I finally headed back along the path. I still didn’t understand how it had happened, so how could I explain it to anyone else? People would think I’d hurt Nic on purpose because she’d bullied me – no one would believe it was self-defence. I wasn’t even sure if it had been. What had I done? Had I done it? I was probably hysterical. I was terrified. I went home.
I did think about waking up Mum when I got in, but it was long past midnight and I couldn’t think what to tell her. She’d said things were getting back to normal and look what I’d gone and done! I sat on the landing and listened to the rain, and the longer I waited the worse I felt. I thought I was going to be sick. Then I tried to pretend nothing had happened. Perhaps I’d got things muddled and dreamed it all. I wondered if I was going demented like Grandma.
It was early morning when I crept into the bathroom. That’s when I saw that I’d gashed my elbow badly, plus there were marks on my ribs and my tummy. I knew I’d be bruised because I bruise so easily, and those bruises were the