is right. Motherhood is unconditional love. Not just love you give or receive but love that permeates every ounce of your being, changes you, makes you someone better. Feeling that for Ellie gave me the gift of my own mother back. I know how she felt. Someday, I hope Ellie has a daughter of her own. I hope she never makes the mistakes that I did.
After the fire, the first few weeks were the worst. It was confusing for all of us. Ginny’s death made it difficult to know how to proceed, and Ellie struggled to understand not only the loss of the woman she thought of as her mother but Felix as well. The only saving grace was Malcolm’s decision to leave Valmont and move to Oregon, a bittersweet choice since he relinquished guardianship without hesitation. We’d been to doctors and psychologists. We’d done everything we could to ease her transition, and we’d finally revealed part of the truth with the encouragement of her therapist. I’d been sick for an entire week leading up to telling her that I was her mother, wondering if she’d be angry or hurt that I’d lied. Instead, she’d asked a lot of questions, all leading back to one central concern: did that mean she would get to stay with me?
She just wanted to be loved. She wanted to give her love. And she wanted to feel safe doing it. We’ve continued to take it slow, letting her help us choose her new house, answering her questions about Ginny as delicately as we can while still being truthful. I don’t know what the future will bring. We can only take it one day at a time.
At first, she’d been more reserved with Sterling, especially when he first got out of the hospital. The scars on his hands scared her, but as they healed, the gap between them grew smaller and smaller each day. He never minded. His only concern was making her feel safe. It had taken two months to get her to call him Sterling instead of Mr. Ford. Neither of us are sure when the right time is to tell her that he’s her father.
“Everyone needs to get dressed!” Poppy announces, swiping the bottle of champagne before Trish and Sutton get too tipsy to walk down the aisle. Sutton gets up to change with a frown.
Ellie jumps to her feet, her eyes bright with excitement. Then, her lips fall into a thoughtful frown. She touches the sterling silver clover hanging from her neck. “I can wear my good luck charm, right?”
“Of course.” I bend and lift her onto my hip. She’s had a growth spurt since her fifth birthday and her legs dangle too far for my tender mother’s heart. I’m not ready for her to grow up, but I can’t stop her. I glance down, finally able to see her drawing. There are three stick figures, two tall and one a bit smaller along with a black lump with ears. “Who did you draw?”
“You and me and Sterling and Zeus,” she chirps. Her eyes widen and she wriggles in my arms. “I forgot something!”
I place her on her feet and she adds something to the paper. She picks it up, cradling it to her chest, and then folds it in half.
“What did you forget?” I ask.
Her eyes twinkle like her father’s, and it takes my breath away. “It’s a secret. I drew it for Sterling.” She bites her lips before wagging a finger at me, beckoning me closer. “Mommy, I have a question.”
I will never get tired of hearing her call me that. I kneel beside her and nod seriously.
“Is Sterling…” she trails away before getting a burst of courage “...my daddy like you’re my mommy?”
I’m momentarily stunned into silence. We’d been warned that she might figure it out or ask, even that she might overhear one of us say something carelessly. I hadn’t expected it to happen so soon. “Well…” I search for the delicate, but truthful answer and realize there’s only one. “Yes. He is your daddy, but it’s okay to have big feelings about that.”
Ellie nods, clutching her picture for him close. “Do you think he would let me call him Daddy like I call you Mommy?”
I nod, unable to form words past the lump in my throat. “I think he would love that.”
“Can you give this to him?” she asks, adding quickly, “But don’t peek at it!”