“That’s not true! If I asked him to stop, we’d be sitting on my couch right now, together, and I wouldn’t be feeling sick to my stomach with anxiety.”
“But would you?” I hate the smile I see in my head. I hate that she can be so calm when my world is spinning. “Would he have quit?”
“I…” I frown. “I don’t know.”
“Exactly! You have no clue if he’d quit, so it’s easier to not ask and instead claim martyrdom, than it is to risk him saying no.”
“You’re wrong. That’s not what I’m doing.”
“You’ve had sex with men in the past, Nora, and it was just a physical act. There were no feelings, no anxiety, no control issues, because it was simply a physical exchange. But now you have feelings for Mr. Morris. What if you allow yourself to dive in, and you fell in love?”
I am in love!
“Once you admit to love, you lose control,” she says in my silence.
“You’re reaching,” I choke out. “You’re projecting.”
“I’m chatting with my girlfriend,” she counters. “And my girlfriend is stubborn and needs control, or she makes herself sick with the what-ifs.”
“What do you suggest I do?” I explode. “What? I refuse to ask him to stop. He clearly loves it, so asking him to quit is like the kiss of death for a relationship that hasn’t even begun yet.”
“So you admit to wanting a relationship with Mr. Morris?”
“No! Shut up. I just—”
She laughs. “You’re young, healthy, and a teeny tiny bit in love.”
“Teeny tiny?” My brow wings up. “Is that doctor-speak, or…?”
“You’re also sassy when you’re mad, but mad is better than scared. Take that energy, try to relax. When he comes home tonight, maybe you could meet him in the hall and explain that you’re scared, but that you would like to work with him to come to an agreement.”
“Are we starting a business together,” I drawl, “or having sex?”
She laughs. “I was actually discussing a relationship built on trust, but if you’ve got sex on the brain…”
“You’re the worst,” I huff. “I can’t ask him to stop racing, Sonia. I just… can’t. That would be like him asking me to rehome Galileo.”
“No one said you have to ask him to stop,” she murmurs. “You could join him there, you know. You’re allowed to go to this place and support him in his sport.”
“No, I…” The color drains from my face at the thought of being at an outside party in the dark. All of those people, all of that noise. The danger of speeding cars, but worse, the danger of strangers in a crowd. “No, I couldn’t…” I shake my head. “I can’t.”
“Which is precisely how you’re still controlling this situation. You can’t ask him to quit, but you also can’t go there to be with him. Which means there is this huge part of his life you can’t be a part of. And because you can’t be a part of it, you refuse to step across that line and admit you have feelings for him.”
After hanging up with my not-at-all-helpful therapist, I sit back on my couch and sigh.
I’m exhausted. This constant need to be on guard, this permanent fight or flight – except my fight button is broken, so I use all of my energy running away.
I lay my head back against the couch and close my eyes, but when my phone vibrates, my heart skips with the hope that it’s Tucker calling.
I bring it up like a whip, swipe my thumb over the screen with a grin, but as I bring the device to my ear, my brain catches up and douses my excitement.
“Jay? Are you okay?”
His gritty chuckle vibrates through the earpiece. “I was calling to ask you the same thing.”
“Oh…” My chest literally empties of all oxygen. “The cameras in the hall?”
He grunts, like maybe he’s sitting back on the couch. “We watch The Chronicles of Chuck and Nora’s Hallway every day now. It’s better than anything on regular TV, what with how you’re always shouting at each other. He slams his fist on your door and drags you down the stairs so fast that the guys have considered dropping mattresses on each landing just in case you trip.”
“He won’t let me trip. He promised.”
“Then there are the times he kisses you at your door.”
I can’t help the way my lips curl up. I press a hand to my stomach to stave the nerves and silly flutters. “He’s a good kisser.”