I opened the door Ella was there, a glass of wine in each hand. She handed me one. A peace offering.
‘Maybe we both need a drink?’ she said.
I took the glass but didn’t move from the doorway.
‘Tell me about him,’ she said.
‘Who?’
‘The boy in the picture.’
Genuine concern filled her face and my sense was that she didn’t want to judge me. She wanted to understand me. Right then I realised this was necessary for our future, and I made a choice. I would tell her.
By the time I’d told her about the case, it was almost dark outside. We’d drunk two-thirds of the wine and eaten all of the cheese and biscuits, but hadn’t touched the tuna salad. Sitting beside her on the sofa, I stared at my reflection in the window, glad she had listened.
After a long moment she walked to the balcony. ‘I need a smoke.’
I opened the door for her and followed her out. The city was alive with the sound of traffic, techno music pumping from a party nearby. The north wind had settled, leaving the smoky air still and warm, like a bonfire left to cool. I leant against the balustrade and lit Ella’s cigarette first, then my own. She blew out a cloud of smoke and stared at the city skyscrapers.
‘Sad about the fires,’ she said. ‘Apparently some of them have been deliberately lit. I don’t know how those people live with themselves.’
I didn’t know the answer either, but I did know she was trying to talk about anything other than what was really on her mind.
She was halfway through the cigarette before she spoke again. ‘You know, that’s the first time you’ve ever told me about one of your cases.’
I nodded.
‘I know it’s not easy, but I appreciate it. It helps me understand what you do, Rubens.’ She took my hand, her skin warm and comforting. ‘I want you to know you can tell me anything.’
‘I know,’ I said, looking into her eyes.
‘No, I don’t think you do. When you were in the hospital and they . . .’ She cupped a hand over her mouth and I thought she was going to cry but she held it together. ‘When they didn’t know what was going to happen with you, whether you were going to live or not, I realised why you were in so much trouble. It wasn’t just because those men were out to get you. It was because I blamed you for everything that happened to us, and I refused to understand what was happening in your life because I didn’t want to know.’
She was referring to a case I’d worked more than a year before, when I’d been set up for the murder of an underworld figure and subsequently shot during the arrest of the killer. It was at a time when our marriage was at the point of no return. There were nights away from home, sometimes weeks at a time. We’d picked fights with each other over money, over stupid things. Meanwhile, there were corruption allegations, the disbanding of entire police squads. Some of my colleagues were involved in underworld killings and drug trafficking. Some were murdered, others went to prison. Some even committed suicide. Prior to all that, I’d spent two whole years on trial after a bikie gang member accused me of accepting bribes. Sure, I was eventually acquitted but I lost my wife in the process. The counselling sessions helped, but not enough. In the end it wasn’t her fault and it wasn’t mine. At least, that’s what I told myself.
‘I never want to go there again,’ she said.
‘I’m not going back to hospital, Ella. I don’t work cases like that any more.’
‘I don’t mean that. I mean I never want to be confused again.’ She frowned, struggling with her thoughts. ‘What I’m saying, I guess, is that I want to understand you, Rubens. Because if I can’t understand you, then I can’t . . .’ Again her voice trailed off and she looked away.
‘What?’ I prodded. ‘If you can’t understand me, then what?’
‘Then I can’t get to know you again.’
Squashing her cigarette in the ashtray, she set her glass on the outside table then buried her face against my chest. I held her, not wanting to move.
‘I want you to find him,’ she said.
‘Who?’
‘Whoever killed that boy.’
I pressed my nose into her hair and inhaled. Her smell was intoxicating and something uncurled in me. I looked out across the palm trees towards St