Blacklisted (Loveless, Texas #3) - Jay Crownover Page 0,108

was who I’d fallen in love with. That was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life, or at least the rest of our love, with.

“Palmer?”

He chuckled and nodded. “Yeah. The only person who calls me that is Case. My real name goes on the paperwork when he’s arrested me. He does it to remind me there’s a man behind the motorcycle club president. It’s a reminder I need sometimes.” He looked down at me, his eyes suddenly serious and intent. “If you need me to be Palmer in order to be with you, I can. I’ll do whatever it takes not to lose you, Pres. When you went down, when I saw you covered in blood that day—” he swallowed hard and turned his hand over so he was holding mine “—I knew I couldn’t live without you. I can’t say that about the club. If I ever left, or they forced me out, it would suck and I would miss it and the members, but I wouldn’t feel like my life was over. Watching you nearly die—” he shook his head “—I know I can’t give you up.”

It was sweet sentiment, and I knew he meant it in the moment. I also knew that down the road if I made him walk away from something that was so much of what made him who he was, he would resent me and eventually feel like he had lost himself. We were both going to have to sacrifice in order to be together, but that didn’t mean walking away from who we were.

“I like being with Shot. I understand him. I rely on him. I love him. But I won’t say no to spending time with Palmer.” I gave him wobbly smile and told him, “I want to know everything about you, and I want you to know everything about me.”

“Nothing I learn is going to change my mind about being with you. Like I told you before, I’m always going to put you first.” He leaned down so he could touch his lips to my forehead. “Don’t see that changing anytime.”

I closed my eyes and basked in his assurance and presence. “That’s sweet, but still unrealistic. I didn’t get that part of our disagreement wrong. My work is important. Sometimes I get so engrossed in the cases I’m working on I forget about the outside world. I have a family now, and occasionally they will have to come first, too. None of that means I’ll love you less; it just means when those things happen I have to work twice as hard to show you how much you mean to me. It’s all about balance. I overreacted that day because I was scared and frustrated at being out of control of my emotions. Loving someone means you’re opening the door to inevitably being hurt by them, and I thought I could avoid that if I forced some space between us.” When he looked like he wanted to argue I rushed to assure him, “I know it won’t work now. I felt awful after our fight and I feel terrible for not giving you a chance to explain what was going on at the motel before everything went to hell. I won’t make that mistake again. If we put each other first when we can, and understand in the times we can’t, I think that’s how we make things work between us. That’s how we show that we really love and understand one another.”

Shot was quiet for a long moment, and when he spoke his voice was full of raw sincerity. “We’re both new to this love thing, so we’re both bound to misstep here and there. We got time to figure it out, which I am so damn grateful for.” He cleared his throat and dragged a hand down his face. “No more catching bullets. My heart can’t take it.”

I reached for his hand and closed my eyes as he laced our fingers together. I still hurt all over, but the spot in my chest where my heart was happily throbbing felt better than ever.

“Same to you. I’ll consider it a personal favor if you stop getting shot as well.”

“If I do that favor for you, you’ll owe me one.” There was a hint of humor in his tone, but I didn’t know how much longer I could keep my eyes open. Pain was starting to filter in through the drugs again, and sleeping through it seemed