Bittersweet (Redemption #3) - Jessica Prince Page 0,76

it. It was my fault. Something in me snapped after that.

“I don’t remember anything about that fight. It was like I’d been outside my body the whole time, watching what was happening. That’s not an excuse, I know that. What I did was fucked up. When they pulled me off that guy and I saw what I’d done, it scared the shit out of me to think I was capable of something like that. The cops came and arrested me and the guy was taken to the hospital. One of the cops at the department knew Whitman, so they called him without me knowing. I don’t know how long I was there. It felt like a fucking eternity, then all of a sudden, my father was there.

“We went into this little room, and he laid it all out. The guy I beat up was in critical condition, on a ventilator. It didn’t look good. He started going on about how, at the very least I was looking at felony assault, but if the guy died, it would be voluntary manslaughter. He told me either way I’d be going to prison for a really long time. I broke when he said that. I lost it, Shane. Because I did that to myself. I nearly took a man’s life and he did nothing to deserve that. Not a goddamn thing. I couldn’t handle knowing what I’d done, what I was capable of.”

My throat felt tight, my chest was aching, and I was having trouble staying on my feet, but I pushed all that down. “And that’s when Whitman gave you a choice.”

“Yes,” Jensen said, lifting his hands and raking his shaky fingers through his hair. “We made a deal. He said if I enlisted, he’d make sure you and Brantley were taken care of. He’d make sure you’d never need for anything, but I had to leave and stay gone. I couldn’t contact you. I had to end it. That was the only way he’d agree to anything. I had to give up the only thing that ever made me happy. It meant he’d finally won, he beat me. But I didn’t think I had any other choice. If I didn’t do it, he was walking away. I’d go to prison, and you and Brantley would be left with nothing.”

I couldn’t hear any more. Squeezing my eyes closed, I waved a hand to stop him and began pacing. “I can’t—” I lifted my hands and dragged my fingers across my scalp, fisting my hair. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you would actually listen to that man!”

“I didn’t see any other way!” he barked. “I never wanted to be that guy. The guy who lost control and beat someone so bad he had to be hospitalized. I was struggling with the fact that a man might die because of me while stuck trying to decide between two impossible fucking choices. I could lose you and destroy any chances of a future completely, or lose you, but at least know you were taken care of and hope to Christ there was a way I could come back down the line and make things right. Either way, Shane, I was going to lose you. I wasn’t handling the knowledge of that very fuckin’ well.”

He moved across the room so fast I was forced to backup, scuttling backward until I slammed into the rough, abrasive brick wall behind me. He kept coming, pinning me to that wall with his weight as he placed his palms on the sides of my neck and brushed my jaw with his thumbs. “I’m sorry,” he whispered in an agonized voice as he lowered his forehead to mine. “I’m so goddamn sorry. I was just so scared. I was scared of what I’d done to that man, that I was capable of that kind of violence. But what scared me most was that you’d find out and you’d see me differently. You’d never look at me the way you did when I made you happy. I was fucking terrified you’d see me as a monster, because that’s how I saw myself. I was a monster and you were nothing but light and goodness. I never felt like I deserved you, and I couldn’t stand the thought that you might one day realize that as well.”

“And that’s the problem,” I whispered, grabbing hold of his wrists and pulling his hands away. I instantly missed his touch so badly I thought