Bitter Kisses (It's Just High School #3) - Thandiwe Mpofu Page 0,138
each other’s backs. I guess that’s the kind of bond John had with Aiden.”
“Fuck, baby I didn’t understand it back then,” I seethe. “I was naïve to what he was actually telling me. He was the brightest person I’ve ever known, and I was fucking naïve, chalking it all up to his joy but it wasn’t.”
I fall silent, my body coiled tight with tension as if I’m back there again, in Aiden’s room.
“He was telling you goodbye.”
“Yes,” I mutter. “When he finally told me that he was tired, I had the audacity to go grab him an Ambien so he could sleep better, not realizing that he was telling that he was tired of living. And you know when the meaning of his words dawned on me, Mia? When I was busy thinking of you…”
“Oh God,” she gasps.
“I was thinking of you and the way you carry burden like that’s your only mandate in life when kit hit me that we were just the same only I was the fucking coward who refused to face my issues. So when I rushed back home and straight to his room, he was about to do it and I… I stared into his eyes, Mia, frozen in the shadows of the doorway. We held each other’s gaze for a two fucking minutes. The house was silent, but I swear it was loud at the same fucking time and in that moment, I accepted what he wanted… without actually fighting to keep him alive!”
“Julian.
“He fell and hit his head hard on the corner of the marble garden tub, where he had strategically chosen to kill himself, right in front of my eyes, and I… I did nothing.”
And thus, I killed him. Yes, he was my uncle, but I’ll always see him as my older brother. The only one I ever talked to about everything that bothered me, including every detail I could gather and obsess over about this girl, this Little Minx.
“You didn’t kill him,” she whispers. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“Just like Nancy’s death and everything that happened in that house was never your fault, baby, but here we are regardless.”
Sometimes, our souls feel responsible for the mess around us. As the guilt churns, we think to ourselves, if only I had done things differently, if only I had not done that one thing or took that wrong turn, but the truth is there are some events in life we don’t have answers to. Events we couldn’t stop even if we tried but the trauma of it all… it still haunts us, even years later because the thing is, something in us broke.
“So Mia, I know what hell feels like,” I grit out. “I know guilt. I know what’s it’s like to fucking bury shit that steals your breath away in the middle of the night but Mia, I’ve been in hell since you refused to kiss me.”
“Julian…” she whispers as if she doesn’t know what to do with me.
“You almost died in my arms and then the fear of you forgetting me… I’ve been a fucking mess and tool, but you’ve always known where to find me, Mia. Just tell me you want me there with you and baby, I’ll be right there.”
Please, Mia. Tell me you need me. Tell me you love me. Tell me you want me to fucking kiss you, baby.
But she doesn’t.
“No, stay wherever you are,” she croaks.
“Baby…”
“I had one of the best days of my life yesterday but when I fell in bed tonight I… I could only think of you. You make everything hurt, Julian. You broke my heart.”
Fuck! I bang my head against the wall beside the window, my eyes closed shut, listening to her say the words I never wanted her to say, but they’re true.
“I know I hurt you because Ice Queen, the road to my hell was paved with splinters of your broken heart and I… I’m the fucking asshole who deserves to burn for that alone.”
I hear her gasp and then the sniffles art all over again.
“I guess nothing matters now, huh? Not even you.”
“Don’t say that,” I grit out, punching my fist through the wall. My arm still fucking hurts as it hasn’t healed yet but I don’t fucking mind the pain. Not anymore.
“It is what it is, Julian,” she whispers almost brokenly. “You know the thing about my mind is, I’ve forgotten almost everything about what life was before you, but I remember everything you’ve ever said to me.”