Bitter Kisses (It's Just High School #3) - Thandiwe Mpofu Page 0,134

about my plans and where I’m going soon. I’m not doing it to be vindictive or mysterious and angsty. I just don’t want to talk about it. Instead, I decide to enjoy the night as much as possible with the heaviness still weighing down on my chest.

Julian…

But even with that, we all make dinner in the kitchen, and the jokes are as refreshing as this moment. We even FaceTime Cole who tells us he’s just coming back from late practice and he’s hungry, but we talk to him for over an hour.

Even then, there isn’t a single mention of Julian. Not one from both boys.

I know if I really wanted answers, I could ask John who calls my mother that night, but I don’t. I just pretend like everything’s fine, but it’s not.

Liam decided to do a TikTok challenge and the next thing I know, he’s teaching me—like a freaking drill sergeant—how to do the moves. He’s so into the moves for someone who just created an account that he doesn’t notice the salmon he’s making is burning until it’s too late. We end up just ordering takeout and have dinner on the balcony.

I can feel my Mom’s inquisitive gaze on me all through the night but I pretend like I can’t feel it as my heart clenches, that by the time we’re done eating and Liam decides to stay over for the night, the joy of the day starts wearing off.

That night, the nightmares decide to make a grand reappearance.

It’s not the type of nightmare you see when you fall asleep, no that’s not how this one happens. I mean, I’ve been struggling to sleep for weeks, but I’ve had a tight leash for my mess but not tonight.

It all starts when I start thinking about my copying mechanism with the trauma over the years.

I’ve managed to bury everything, replacing the pain and anguish with something I can obsess over for long periods of time, just like how I cared about Nancy over the years, completely burying the shit that was happening with Nathan.

I didn’t realize that it only takes one string to pull the entire buried box of skeletons out, so as the time ticks on by, my mind drags me back to the coldness of the freezer in that godforsaken warehouse.

To be honest, I was expecting the memories to haunt me, but the nightmare didn’t stop there.

It’s almost like a movie is being played in reverse, playing back every memory I had buried, forcing myself to forget it all.

I lie there and remember the time Nathan tried his best to be kind to me and Nancy. But when Nancy’s phone rang, we would hear her beautiful laugh—she never laughed when Nathan was around—and when Nathan heard her laugh, he turned into a beast that destroyed everything.

I lie there and remember the way she screamed, the way she fought back, the way she told me to hide.

I remember they never actually shared a room in that huge house.

I remember Nancy bought a gun once.

I remember Nancy never really stopped laughing and looking back now with the knowledge I have, I realize now that when she laughed like that, she was talking to the love of her life, John Fitzgerald.

Tears start streaming down my face in the dark. I can hear my blood roar in my ears as my heart rate accelerates, but I don’t move. I just lie there and remember.

Lying there, I recall the times Nicky visited us in secret, making me promise not to tell Nathan.

I can almost feel the fear slithering over my body now as I recall the way Nathan came back home, drunk as a skunk, and offering me to settle his debts. Something he managed to do after all.

I remember the times Nathan punished me for not telling him about Nancy’s whereabouts.

I can feel myself start to gasp for breath as the pressure builds in my chest. I know I’m having a panic attack. I know all I need to do is bend over between my knees and try to breathe but the images are replaying over and over in my head like a broken record.

I’m crying, sweating and panting for breath. I can’t help but reach for my phone. My fingertips have memorized his number like my body has programmed his touch. So, in a few short seconds… with just one ring, I hear his voice.

“Julian,” I gasp.

Chapter Forty

Julian

I immediately drop everything, my body coiling with tension the moment I hear