And Scott’s crew, including the RG member masquerading as a guard captain, even less than that. But that wasn’t information Ethan needed right now.
“Maybe we should beat the GP at its own game,” I suggested.
“How do we do that?”
“We could jump ship.”
He laughed mirthlessly. “The vampires of Cadogan House do not ‘jump ship.’ ”
“Not even if they get dumped?”
“Not even if,” he said. “What’s the phrase? You should dance with the one who brought you?”
“Not if you found out the one who brought you made out after third period with the head of the chess club, who was totally not as cute as you.” I felt my cheeks warm. “But that’s a personal issue we don’t need to discuss here. The thing is, we can do better. If they don’t want us, we find someone who does.”
He chuckled a little, and I felt the wall of tense magic in the room crumble a bit.
“He said he wants to interview you. Do you think he can be convinced to back off?”
“I don’t know. Darius would prefer an official House policy of ‘shut the fuck up,’ which we aren’t particularly skilled at. I hardly think he’d waste time on interviews if they weren’t for a purpose, but I can’t imagine him standing down a decision of the shofet.”
“Are you going to tell the House?”
“I doubt it. I’m not sure there’s any point in raising a flag until the decision is firm and final.”
Until then, we’d all have to wait and see what happened, which wasn’t a comfortable position for anyone. And speaking of which, for the sake of my own sanity, it was time to discuss the thing we were steadfastly avoiding…
“Are we okay?” I asked.
Ethan brushed a lock of hair over my shoulder. I glanced at him, but when our eyes met, he froze and looked away.
My stomach twisted. Now he wouldn’t touch me at all?
“I can’t have you. Not now.”
I could hardly form words. “What? Is this about the bruise?”
He stood up straight. “The mark I put on your body because I was upset? Yes, Sentinel, it is about that.”
“That wasn’t you,” I insisted. “It only happened because of Mallory, because she was close and upset and her emotions were affecting you.”
“And we’re back in Chicago together,” he said. “She’s close enough. What if she’s upset? What if she becomes angrier than she’s been before? What if a bruise is the least harm I could do?”
I understood his point, understood well the risk he was trying to avoid. But he’d saved my life twice. I trusted him implicitly, and not because I feared him or what he might do. “I’m not afraid of you.”
“You should be.” Ethan walked back to the bar and put his glass on the counter, putting space—an obstacle—between us.
After a moment, he turned around, and his eyes had gone cold.
My stomach did the same.
“I’ve been thinking…”
“That’s dangerous,” I lightly said, but he didn’t laugh.
“I think we should halt our personal relationship for the time being. Until we resolve things with Mallory.”
My heart fell to my knees, and I found I couldn’t speak a single word. This couldn’t be happening. Not after all we’d been through. Not after I’d lost him and found him again.
“And if things aren’t ever resolved with Mallory? If you can’t ever be one hundred percent sure that you’re free of her? What then?”
He looked up at me, and he didn’t answer.
Apparently, four hundred years did a lot of damage to a man’s psyche, and Ethan’s defense mechanism was to throw up barriers to every emotion he didn’t care to feel. A few months ago, I’d have walked away from this conversation, and from him. I’d have taken the emotional punch like a trouper and left the room without a parting shot. But he was facing down a demon of his own making, and I wasn’t going to help him with the illusion.
I fought back tears. “You’d just give me up?”
“This isn’t about giving you up. I can’t—I’m not in control of myself, Merit.”
“Then it’s about not trusting me enough to help you when you’re in a bad situation.”
“It’s about keeping you safe until this problem is resolved. I didn’t save your life so that I could tear it down again, Merit. I will not put me or you in the position of hurting you again. God willing we can find a way to separate Mallory and me before our immortality has passed us by.”
There were times I secretly enjoyed Ethan’s alpha-male posturing.