A Bird in the Oven - Kata Cuic Page 0,39
my derailed intentions now.
This is much more natural for us. I support him when he tells me what he needs. The coping techniques are all his own; I simply make suggestions if he asks for my input. He rarely does, but I’ve learned so much about him over time. I overstepped my bounds this morning on multiple counts by implying he’s anything less than capable of managing himself. Oliver manages himself far better than I ever could.
He lifts one of my legs out of the water, his hands slipping and sliding along the length until he encircles my ankle with one hand and pulls in a heavenly massaging motion to the tips of my toes. He repeats this process on the other side.
My eyes are drifting closed more often than not, sighs I can’t suppress falling from my lips. Oliver might be an animal in the bedroom, but this is the kind of intimacy I crave from him. The sort of touch I might be misunderstanding again.
“Does that feel good?” he murmurs, his thumbs pressing into the delicate arch of my foot.
“Yes,” I whisper, afraid to open my eyes and see the truth in his. “Please, don’t stop.”
“May I move to a different area to explore?”
“Yes.”
Water sloshes around my shoulders and chest with his movements. I open my eyes to find him sitting in the middle of the tub like I had when he first stepped in. He wraps his hands around my hips and hauls my butt into his lap, my legs spread out around his waist.
“I will be very gentle,” he promises.
I brace for impact, but it never comes.
His hands spread wide against my stomach. “It is very easy to imagine you pregnant with my child. It makes me happy to picture it in my mind. I have obviously not been clear enough about this. I am prepared for all the hard work that raising a baby requires. I do not want to inseminate you then have no role in my child’s life. I do not want to donate my sperm to you then feel the need to hack more bank accounts should another man throw you away as has happened in the past. If I am going to put a bird in your oven, then my expectation is that I will be the only man in your life going forward.” He tips his head to the side. “Unless we have a son, of course.”
“Ollie, I—”
He places a hand in the air to hold off my words. “Please, let me finish. I am trying to be as clear as possible in order to avoid any more miscommunication. You stated that you wish to be my first choice rather than my last resort. I am sorry to inform you that you are indeed my last resort, Liv.”
My heart crumbles.
He goes on, unaware of my tears as he continues to stare at my stomach like he can put a baby in there without having to do anything else. “I will forego any amount of pleasure for the rest of my life in order for you to remain with me.”
“I don’t want that for you!” I cry. “I don’t want you to be without the pleasure you crave!”
“I will not lose anything that I am not completely prepared to go without. I am hoping to gain the things that I will live for.”
“You don’t have to choose!” I insist even though my lungs are burning. “You can be a father to our child and still live the life you want! If you expect me to stay single for the rest of my life, then I’m okay with that!”
It’s nothing I wasn’t already prepared to go without in favor of something different to live for.
“I have been selfish with you,” Ollie mutters, still calm in the face of my rising panic. “I will not continue to take from you.”
“Ollie, no…” I was so stupid to risk our friendship for something I stupidly thought he wanted, too. If I could go back in time, I’d throw away the evidence laden laptop that started all this. I’d even be nice to Isabella and let her know on the down-low about Ollie’s cat allergy and suggest they adopt a dog instead.
“Liv, yes…” He smiles softly then drags a single finger from my navel all the way to my seam. His gentle touch parts my folds as he slowly and carefully explores a new area as he requested permission to do before he broke my heart.