I shook my head. “I think she’s been trying to protect me by not talking about it. I still believe she was sexually assaulted, too, but she doesn’t go there, either. Honestly, I don’t think I ever believed her explanation that she was taken out of our holding area every night to speak with the rebel leader about our release. God, maybe I just wanted to believe that because I was so frantic about Mark, but even when it was happening, it didn’t make sense.”
“I think you should talk to Taylor about it. She’s doing far better than you’re imagining,” Marshall suggested. “And even if it did happen, and you had known, what could you have done about it, Harlow? You were as powerless as Taylor was at the time, so there was no possible way you could have helped her. Not to mention the fact that you didn’t have an assault rifle handy.” He paused for a moment before he added, “I’m sorry about Mark. I know you two were dating. Were you in love with him?”
I swiped a tear from my cheek before I answered. “I think we were both still trying to figure things out. His job as a mining engineer kept him out of the country most of the time, so we were rarely able to actually go on a real date. We spent a lot of time talking on the phone or FaceTiming. That’s why I suggested he join me on the exploration. He was between jobs, so I thought it would give us a little more time together in person. I wasn’t in love with him, and I don’t think he was in love with me, either. We didn’t really have enough time together to find out if we could be right for each other. But he was a good man, and an amazing friend. I cared about him a lot.”
“A loss is a loss,” Marshall observed. “I guess it doesn’t really matter if you two had it all figured out or not. I know you miss him.”
I nodded. “I do. I miss his voice and talking to him almost every day.”
Mark had always been so upbeat and supportive. The two of us connecting to share what was happening in our lives had become one of the best parts of my day.
“I know you do,” Marshall said solemnly. “And I’ll be the last one to tell you when and how you should grieve that loss. But you have to let go of all the guilt, Harlow. It’s eating you alive. If Mark was the man you say he was, he wouldn’t want you to be walking around like a zombie the rest of your life.”
I blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall. I knew that Mark wouldn’t have wanted me to shoulder the blame, but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling like his death was my fault.
“Maybe I could stop obsessing over what happened if you’d let me get involved in Last Hope,” I muttered. “I get that you have to keep tabs on anyone who finds out about your organization. I also know that you stay in contact with your victims because you want to help them through the recovery process. But I wasn’t one of your rescues, Marshall. I was ransomed out. Right now, I really need to feel like I’m part of something important. Something that means something. I don’t want to just be a victim who needs to be assisted by Last Hope. I want to be actively involved as a volunteer.”
“Harlow,” he said in a warning voice.
I held up a hand. “Don’t. Please don’t give me the rules again. Maybe I wasn’t in Special Forces, but I was six years active duty in the Air Force, which I’m sure you already know.”
I had no doubt my mom had told him how I’d managed to get through school, or he’d already found out by other means.
Marshall was pretty scary when it came to information gathering, and he made it a point to know as much as possible about anyone who knew about Last Hope.
Maybe Hudson and Jax hadn’t rescued me, but I’d been treated like one of their victims since the moment Hudson had been forced to tell me about how they were going to rescue Taylor.
I took a deep breath before I added, “I was a weather specialist in the Air Force, Marshall. That could be a really valuable skill. I’m