I quickly gave her an abbreviated version of Jax’s role as my advisor, and the agreement I’d made with both him and Marshall.
“But everything else is true,” I finished. “We have become friends, Taylor. Just like I said.”
Taylor’s eyes welled up with tears. “Why didn’t you tell me what was happening? You always said you were doing okay. I hate that you were practically homebound because of your anxiety and nightmares, and I didn’t know. I was giving you your space, but I should have pushed harder. I knew you were grieving Mark.”
“Don’t,” I pleaded with her. “Don’t try to pretend that my situation was worse because I lost someone I cared about. Jax told me how close you were to death, Taylor, and I know how damn lucky I am that you’re still here with me. Let’s be honest about what happened to you when you were pulled out of our holding area every night, too. You were assaulted every single time, weren’t you? Please tell me the truth.”
This wasn’t exactly the way I’d planned on talking to Taylor, but I had to know.
She looked me in the eyes as she said, “Yes. You were out of your mind with worry about Mark, and it wasn’t like there was anything you could do if you had known the truth.”
“Did you lie to protect me?” I asked tearfully.
“I did, and I’d do it again,” she said defiantly. “I didn’t know that Mark was dead, but the possibility crossed my mind. You were carrying a heavy burden, and I was going to end up getting raped anyway. So I told them that I wouldn’t fight it if they left you alone.”
“You made a deal with them to save me?”
“It wasn’t a sacrifice, Harlow, but if they were going to touch me, I was going to get something out of it.”
“How many?” I asked shakily.
“Just the rebel leader,” she answered. “He had some kind of hate relationship with my red hair. It was going to be me, Harlow. You couldn’t have stopped it. I also knew I couldn’t get pregnant because I had an IUD. Were you protected?”
I shook my head, still in shock. “I’d missed way too many pills to still be protected.”
“I thought so. At least I was protected. I figured you weren’t.”
“With everything else we were going through, how did you bear it?” I asked with a sob.
Taylor scooted forward and took my hands. “Listen to me, Harlow. I got through it, just like you got through your fear and desperation about what had happened to Mark. We did whatever we had to do to survive. And we’re both still here. We’re both still alive. I’m grateful for that every single day. I ended up getting incredible joy from all that pain and suffering. If it hadn’t happened, I never would have met and fell in love with Hudson. You know I practice tai chi, and have since I was a teenager. I’ve developed a lot of mental discipline because of it. They violated my body, but I never let them win. I zoned out every time it started, and went to a happier place and time. That bastard never touched my mind or my soul. I wouldn’t allow it.”
Tears poured down my cheeks as I said, “You’re so damn brave, Taylor, and so strong.”
“So are you, Harlow. You just don’t see it. I don’t know how you got through nine days of not knowing what happened to someone you cared about. I was hardly acquainted with Mark, and I was worried. He was important to you. And in the end, you lost him anyway. The pain of that loss had to have been crushing. Yet, you still survived. Actually, you sound better than you have for a long time.”
“Jax really has helped me. He literally pulled me out of the hell I was making for myself,” I explained.
I told Taylor about why I had Molly, my EMDR, and my intensive counseling sessions.
“I’m finally getting over most of my guilt,” I said. “I was ready to hear what really happened to you. I had to know the reality versus what I’d made up in my head.”
Taylor released my hands and leaned back in her chair. “I’m being completely honest with you, Harlow. I swear. It was just as unpleasant as all the other things we endured, but if we let those bastards mess with our heads any longer, they win. I don’t