Once the dam had broken, there was no holding back the tears, or the sobs of heartache.
Jax just let me cry, and comforted me with supportive words in his low, reassuring baritone until I slowly calmed down.
“You couldn’t go to his service because you were still in the hospital being treated for dehydration, Harlow,” Jax said calmly. “It’s completely unreasonable to think that you could have made a trip to Mark’s hometown in Northern California to attend the service. Even though Mark had moved to San Diego, his brother wanted to have him cremated up north in the town where they grew up. He still lives there. So, it was really a memorial service and not a funeral.”
“I still wish I could have been there,” I said, my entire body aching with regret.
“It was a nice service, Harlow,” Jax said. “Cooper and I attended since Hudson was taking care of Taylor. I sent flowers for you because I knew you’d want that if your brain was fully functional. I also made a donation to Mark’s favorite charity in your name. If you want, I can show you pictures of the memory boards, and the flowers I sent for you. I can give you the memorial program, too. I saved them because I knew there might be a day when you wanted to see them.”
“I think I’d like that. Thank you. I didn’t even realize that you went,” I replied, touched by his thoughtfulness and all he’d done for me because I’d been in no position to do it myself. “It’s comforting to know there was something there with my name on it, even though I didn’t send it myself.”
“Cooper and I wanted to go. Mark was our employee, and he died while he was working for us,” Jax explained. “Mark’s brother understood why you couldn’t be there. He said that Mark talked about you a lot, and that he’d been hoping to meet you someday. It wasn’t clear whether or not Mark had ever told his brother that there was a romance brewing between the two of you. But Mark obviously talked about you fairly often.”
“Mark and I weren’t even sure where our relationship was going, so I doubt his brother knew much, either,” I explained. “I think we both wanted to see if we could make it into a real romance, and Mark had talked about switching jobs so he could spend more time in San Diego. Honestly, I’m not sure that ever would have happened, even if he hadn’t died. He loved his job with Montgomery far too much to give it up, and I wouldn’t have wanted him to do that unless it was what he really wanted. I truly don’t think he was ready to settle down in one location. His wanderlust and his dedication to Montgomery was way too strong. We flirted. We cared about each other. But I think we would have eventually just settled for being really good friends.”
“And you would have been okay with that?” Jax questioned.
I thought about that possibility for a moment before I answered. “Yeah. I would have been okay with it if the romance part wasn’t meant to be. If nothing else, Mark restored my faith that there really are good men out there. I would have always been grateful for that, even if it hadn’t worked out romantically for us. Maybe I’ve never wanted to admit it, but I was never quite sure if anything more intimate was in the cards for the two of us. I think I really wanted it to happen because he was such an amazing man, but the chemistry was never quite right. I adored him, and I desperately wanted that to be enough, but all the wishing in the world wouldn’t have made him the right guy for me if he wasn’t.”
“That doesn’t negate the fact that you lost someone really important in your life, Harlow,” Jax said.
“I know,” I replied, feeling calmer now. “I’m sorry I woke you up. I know you go into work early. I just suddenly felt like I needed to know as much as I possibly could about what really happened. It’s time for me to deal with it so I can eventually move on. My days of living in denial are over.”
I heard Jax release a large breath before he answered, “Unfortunately, this is part of the recovery journey, sweetheart, and I’m damn glad you called me. I would have been really pissed off