her. I came damn close to losing it. I don’t think she had a single clue what was going on in my head, thank God.”
“Maybe that’s not such a good thing, Hudson. Maybe it’s better if you find out if there’s a spark…or not.”
“I already know,” I answered gruffly. “And for me, it’s more than a spark. It’s a whole damn forest fire consuming more and more acreage every damn day.”
Jax chuckled. “Don’t you want to know if she feels the same way?”
“No,” I said adamantly.
“Why?”
“What if she doesn’t? Then what in the hell am I supposed to do? Be her brother figure, her friend? I don’t even want to think about that shit.”
“I doubt very much that’s the case,” Jax drawled. “It’s pretty hard to hurt someone if there aren’t some tender feelings involved. It’s not like you two have known each other long enough to have an established friendship that’s in jeopardy here. She’s touchy because you two are dancing around the way you really feel. I guess I just don’t see the problem with you letting her know that you’d like all of this to end in the bedroom.”
The bedroom?
Hell, I wasn’t picky.
In my bed.
The kitchen.
The patio.
The living room.
The gym.
I didn’t really give a damn about the location. Wherever we were, I always felt the same damn way: pathetically desperate to make Taylor mine.
“Truthfully, I doubt I can make it much longer without her knowing,” I said in a raw voice. “And I’m not sure how to handle that.”
“Because you aren’t used to not being in total control,” my brother said smoothly. “You’re used to being a workaholic who always has the upper hand. Before that, you were a highly regimented Special Forces officer. None of us really had a childhood, but we sure as hell weren’t encouraged to openly express any kind of emotion. Ever. We were miniature robots, Hudson. We weren’t supposed to feel anything. We were just expected to excel. Do you even remember crying once as a child? I sure as hell don’t. And I doubt very much that Riley and Cooper remember doing it, either. Hell, our own sister hid being molested by our father for years. She couldn’t even tell us that it happened, much less somebody she didn’t completely trust,” Jax finished in a disgusted tone.
I let out a breath of frustration. “You’re right,” I admitted grimly. “Taylor and I are almost total opposites. She lives every day when it comes, and she does it wholeheartedly, while I’m trying to shape that day into what I want it to be. Maybe the fact that we’re so different is what attracted me to her in the first place, and I wouldn’t change a hair on her head to be more like…me.”
“I think you two are much more alike than you think,” Jax said in a contemplative tone. “You just show the world different faces.”
“I’m not completely following you,” I mumbled.
He let out an exasperated sigh. “I mean, maybe you show things differently, but deep down, you want the same things. Hell, I’d probably be willing to cut off one of my damn balls to have a woman stand up to me the way Taylor did with you. To say that I actually hurt her, instead of just ruined her chances to be with a billionaire Montgomery. Because that would mean she actually gave a damn about me, Hudson. If you have the ability to hurt Taylor, what she’s really saying is that she cares what you think about her character, whether she realizes it or not. Fuck knows I’m no expert in relationships. Maybe because I’ve never had anything real. But ultimately, I think you and Taylor want the same damn thing: she wants somebody to care about her, and so do you.”
“I do care about her,” I rasped. “Probably too damn much.”
“Well see, there’s a problem with that situation,” Jax commented. “She doesn’t know that. I know you, Hudson. You’re a damn master at playing the game, and not letting anybody know what’s really going on in your head. While that makes you an excellent businessman, and before that, a great Special Forces member, it isn’t working so well in your private life.”
“I don’t have a private life,” I informed him.
“Now, you do,” Jax snapped back. “You have Taylor, and I think she wants to care about you, so start communicating and let her know exactly what you’re thinking. This isn’t business, Hudson. Not anymore. I think she was disappointed