I was going to eventually push through it. Pretending it never happened, and not acknowledging the pain and fear would just keep me stuck in the past.
Been there; done that.
When I’d been confused and angry, Mac had always told me that the only way to get to the other side of it was to acknowledge the way I was feeling, and then leave it behind.
“Being afraid is completely normal, Taylor. Most people come out of a hostage situation a lot worse off than you are right now, even if they haven’t been sexually assaulted,” Hudson said gruffly. “The flashbacks of what happened will probably stay with you for a while, and the fear, but you’re going to be okay. Is there…” I watched as he did some kind of inner struggle before he asked in a calmer tone, “Do you think you could be pregnant?”
I wasn’t the kind of woman who got freaked out about openly discussing medical stuff. Especially not with a guy who had seen as much as Hudson.
I firmly shook my head. “Highly doubtful since I’ve had a hormonal IUD since I was twenty-two. I had horrible periods, and they tried other stuff, but that worked the best. I knew I was protected against pregnancy, which is another reason I offered myself up rather than seeing Harlow used, too.” I shuddered. “Obviously, that IUD won’t protect me from other nasty stuff, but getting pregnant is the least of my worries.”
I was concerned about STDs, HIV, Hepatitis, and any other disease that I could get through sexual contact, but I’d have to deal with that if it happened.
If I let myself think about that too much, I’d be completely overwhelmed.
Hudson looked relieved. “We’ll deal with most of that once we get to San Diego. It will take time to get all the medical test results on the rebel leader, but everything will get done. The doctor told Jax that he started PEP treatment because every hour counts, and he’d rather be safe than sorry. I’m not a doctor, but I know it’s some kind of antiretroviral medicine that helps prevent getting an HIV infection.” Hudson released a frustrated breath. “Everything will get better. We’ll fix all this, Taylor. I fucking promise we’ll work everything out. I won’t let anyone hurt you like that again. Just don’t stop…talking to me. We’ll get through it together.”
The fierceness, the utter conviction in his tone broke me.
A single large tear plopped onto my cheek.
Then another.
And one more.
Suddenly, like a dam in my tear ducts had burst wide open, those droplets formed into a river of tears that were coursing down my face.
I felt like an idiot, but no matter how hard I tried, the raging river wasn’t going to stop until it ran dry. “Why am I crying?” I asked in a desperate tone. “I’m alive. I should be happy right now.”
The problem was…these weren’t happy tears. They were tears of pain, fear, and incredibly painful sorrow.
I was crying for Harlow.
I was crying for Mark.
And I was crying for myself.
Mark was gone, and I knew that Harlow and I would never be the same after this experience.
Hudson rose, lifted me up like the weight of my body was next to nothing, and then sat back down on the bed with his back against the headboard, cradling my body on his lap as he pulled the covers around me. “Cry all you want, Taylor. Get it all out. I don’t give a damn if you’re still bawling when we get to San Diego if it will make you feel better,” he said roughly.
“I-I never cry,” I said with a small hiccup as I let my arms creep around his neck.
God, he felt good.
He smelled good.
Hudson wrapped his powerful arms around my body, and used his hand to guide my head gently to a comfortable place on his shoulder. “Make an exception this time,” he suggested.
There wasn’t even a hint of judgment in his voice, although I knew he was obviously a guy ruled by reason.
I was upset, and like it was the most normal thing in the world to do, Hudson was giving me a soft place to fall.
I felt accepted.
I felt protected.
I felt sheltered as I melted into his warm, hard body.
I finally felt…safe.
Hudson was there for me, muttering nonsense to comfort me, rocking me and holding me close when my walls finally went tumbling to the ground, and I sobbed out all the emotions that were threatening to consume me.