are magical, and even though it represents great loss, it also lets the world know these lives lost were people who lived and were loved.
“Hey.” Roman exhales when he hears me, but he still doesn’t turn.
“Thanks for the text. I really appreciate it. I want to be here for this.”
Roman nods slowly before finally spinning around. The moment our eyes lock, the gravity of our situation hits home, and the weight that has settled in the pit of my stomach gets heavier. There is no easy way to do this. There aren’t any words, either. The only thing we can do is dig.
Roman picks up the shovel at his feet, then reaches for a beautiful pink rose bush, the velvety petals regal and proud. It’s perfect. Sadie would have loved it.
His expression is vacant, but it’s clear he’s finding it harder and harder each time he comes out here to bury a new life.
We walk for minutes, the gentle rustle of wind the only sound between us. There are so many things I want to say, but where do I start?
Roman comes to a stop.
Opening up my palm as I extend my arm, Roman doesn’t argue and passes me the shovel.
With each mound of dirt I shift, the closer my tears threaten to break free, but I’m trying my hardest to keep them at bay. Sadie wouldn’t have wanted me to be sad. We both knew that sooner or later, it would come to this. But being the one left standing time and time again doesn’t make you feel lucky or relieved. It’s just a reminder of where you’ll eventually end up. We all die—some sooner than others.
I continue digging, the thought plaguing me until I struggle for breath.
“Don’t feel guilty. You’re allowed to live.” Roman can read my inner turmoil. “Sadie, Georgia, everyone you love, and everyone who loves you…” His faltering voice matches my erratic heartbeat. “Wants you to live. And that’s the greatest gift you can give them.”
Raising my eyes, I meet his. Something hides behind them.
“Every breath you take is honoring them, honoring their spirit because they know that your thoughts are never far from them.”
Those tears I tried so hard to keep away have no chance at remaining under lock and key. Roman’s avowal is beautiful.
He takes the shovel from my hands and finishes what I started.
I watch in silence as he gently removes the rose from the pot, shaking out the dirt and fingering out the roots. He’s crouched down on one knee, but his gaze flicks upward. “I think she’d want you to do this.”
I nod, sniffing back my tears as I reach for the stem.
I’m careful of the thorns as I wrap my fingers around the length, picturing Sadie’s bright smile and contagious laughter. Different memories crash into me as I fall to my knees and immortalize Sadie the only way I know how.
I clutch at the mounds of rich dirt, dragging it with my fingers as I cover the hole in the ground. I only wish I could do the same to the one in my chest because saying goodbye hurts.
“I’ll n-never forget you,” I whisper, choking on my tears, fisting handfuls of soil. “I think that if I were to join you, then I would be okay with that.” And I mean every word. “But I promise, while I’m still here, to tell the world about you. I don’t know when I’ll see you again, but until then, tell Georgia I said hello. I love you both so v-very m-much.” A sob escapes me, and it helps let out this pain.
I don’t realize I’ve finished planting her rose until Roman’s cold hand overlaps mine. He’s usually so warm, so I jolt at the contact.
“Lola…”
Through clouded vision, I see our fingers slowly intertwine. The sight stirs something in me.
I never want to let him go.
Our hands are muddy, but there is something gritty, almost primeval about it. We are united, and that promise opens a door I never knew could open. I think…I’m falling in love with Roman. I don’t know when this happened, but the feelings I have for him seem to continue to grow.
With our hands locked, kneeling before one another, and covered in Sadie’s earth, I don’t fail to see the significance of that thought. Like Sadie’s rose, I want what Roman and I have to flourish. It’ll need water, and sunlight, and constant care, but I’ll suddenly do anything to see it bloom.