Between Us and the Moon - Rebecca Maizel Page 0,85

only makes my muscles even tighter.

“But you,” I say. “You’re still working out your life too so that’s comforting.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you work for Mike’s family. You live his life, you said so on the beach.”

Andrew frowns.

“No. I said I’m working for his family because I owe it to him. I’m living my life, Sarah.”

“But you’re not,” I say. “You should be in school pursuing your criminal justice degree.”

Andrew stops. “That’s not true.”

Up ahead is the last bit of the boardwalk, the sunshine beams where the dense trees stop and the dirt lane begins again.

“Yes, it is. You’re fishing when I know you want so much more. You’re not pursuing your dreams, you’re pursuing Mike’s, and he’s dead.”

“What the hell do you know?”

He walks ahead toward the exit and I follow after.

“That’s a fact, Andrew. He’s dead.”

Andrew whips around.

“I know he is!” he yells to the trees, and I jump backward. I’m glad we’re alone on the trail. Andrew immediately dips his chin to his chest. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t yell.”

I don’t say anything. Andrew’s face is red and he has both hands on his hips.

“You don’t get it. You’ve never been through anything like this,” he says and flings his arms out. “I am living the life I want. It’s the life I owe to Mike. I should have been there that night and I wasn’t. I told you this. You couldn’t understand.”

“I understand. Believe me. Do you know what I hear every single day? You can’t wear that! You should be working on your essay. You should have more interests. You’re just a little girl. Get your head out of the clouds. Get a backbone—”

The name “Bean” catches in my mouth and I stop it.

“No one else but you should define the life you want to live,” I say.

“Next year, in college, you won’t have to worry about that anymore. You’ll be living your own life,” Andrew replies.

Anger surges through me. I’m angry that I’m not actually going to college next year and angry with Andrew for believing what he is seeing and not asking any questions. I almost wish he would catch me at this point.

I stride past him toward the exit and once I’m beyond the dense trees, the sun blasts the sandy pathway.

“Sarah, wait,” Andrew says, his footsteps padding after me. I stop and look up to the top of the path at the parking lot above. A couple of cars have pulled in, but no one is coming down the path yet.

“I just have to do this for now,” Andrew says as he catches up to me. “I can go back to college later in a couple years. We can still be together.” I bring my hands to my face. A sob runs through me and it vibrates against my hands.

College. College. Damn it. I’m seeing red—seeing blue—seeing nothing but how mad I am.

“You wanna throw your whole life away?” I cry. His hazel eyes seem dark and his jaw is set tight. “Fine. Why don’t I do that too! Why don’t I take a page out of Andrew Davis’s book and I’ll skip the scholarship. I’ll take more shit from Nancy when she has to pay the tuition. I’ll be just like you and throw away my whole future!”

I’m not looking where I’m going and I am thrown forward. I’ve tripped on a rock and my palms hit the gritty ground.

My skin stings when I push up from the ground. “You don’t even know me,” I say. “Or what I am capable of.”

Andrew takes a step and eyes my red hands. He wants to help me but he, just like everyone else, has no idea how to do that. Only I can. This is my fault. No scenario I’ve presented will work. I’ve come to the end of my options.

Andrew follows me up to the parking lot.

“I’m walking home,” I say.

“It’s, like, four miles.”

“I need to be alone,” I explain.

“I don’t know what to say,” Andrew says as he stands by his car. “This is really surprising me.”

I turn. Maybe it’s dramatic. Maybe it’s silly to say, but I’m mad at him for being perfect and for being exactly what I need.

“You wanna live Mike’s life, be my guest,” I say. “Then you might as well be dead too.”

TWENTY-SIX

“TWO TYLENOL?” I ASK MOM THE NEXT MORNING.

Trying to make it through breakfast after a night of no sleep is hell. I imagine this is what it might feel like to be hit