Between Now and Heartbreak - Dylan Allen Page 0,12
on her cheeks and even though my friend never cries, I understand.
He’s singing about fear, and courage, loss and acceptance, discontentment and hope, and the emotion in his voice is visceral and raw.
His eyes open and they come straight to me when he sings the line “Well baby, I’ve been here before.”
For a few long seconds, our gazes tangle and he smiles at me.
Like we didn’t just have that awful exchange.
Like he did right before he kissed me that first time.
Like we’re still what we were.
Maybe, it wasn’t all just in my head.
Maybe there’s an explanation for what happened.
Fed by that small drop of hope, a smile spreads tentatively across my face. It’s like I snapped my fingers and broke his trance. His eyes clear and his expression shutters.
But I don’t miss the look of…something I don’t understand, but that I think might be regret before he turns away.
Again, I’m stung. I don’t understand what I’ve done to earn his ire. But even in the face of his rejection and all my confusion, I can’t stop watching him sing.
I sigh deeply and my hand curls around the phantom pencil it craves.
I want to draw that face again.
He finishes the song and the whole place goes wild.
Without even acknowledging the applause he strides off the stage and disappears behind it.
The curtains as they settle back into place.
The crowd’s claps die down and the MC introduces the next act.
But, I can’t move on.
“Start talking, sister.” I’d forgotten Dina was sitting next to me.
I nearly jump out of my skin, but the afterglow of Carter lingers and I can’t help but smile through the rush of embarrassment at being caught staring.
“His voice is great.” I keep my voice light and make a feeble attempt to find our server.
Not that a drink is going to do me any good.
My circuits are fried from the overload of emotions
“Are you okay?” She frowns and peers closely at me.
“Yeah,” I cover my breathless voice with a cough.
“Liz …did something happen between you two?“ Dina asks quietly.
“No,” I say instantly and then, I drop my head into my hands and rub my eyes.
“So, I guess that hair on your head isn’t blonde, either?” She pokes at me hard.
I rub the spot on my arm where her finger jabbed me. I know I deserve it, and more, for lying to her. But, I can’t help the way my hackles rise.
I have to hold onto my anger and my resentment all the time. But the combination of seeing Carter, Dina’s accusing question, my self-loathing thoughts prove to be the pound that busts the button I’ve been using to hold it all back.
“Fucking stop it, Dina,” I hiss.
“Why? You’re telling me to believe you instead of my own eyes, right?” She flicks a lock of hair off my shoulder.
“Can you just let it go? I’m serious.”
“Yeah, serious about ignoring the herd of elephants in the room.”
I run a self-conscious hand over my wig.
“What do you mean?” I glare at her.
She leans in, unrelenting and undeterred by my growing anger.
“Why are you blonde? Why are you dressed like you’re going to tea at your country club? Why for the love of everything that is fucking holy are you talking about marrying Duke Tremaine?”
She says the questions like she’s been holding them in and is about to burst.
“Not this, again. Please, Dina.”
“Oh yes, again and again until you tell me the truth. I don’t understand it. He’s…”
“He’s what?” I ask. I feel compelled to defend him. I’ve made my bed and so far, he’s the only person who’s done anything to actually help me.
She takes in the obstinate look on my face and changes tactics. Her expression softens and she relaxes her shoulders.
“What about your art, then? You’re so talented. Are you just giving up on it?”
I ignore the wave of longing so thick I could choke on it.
Eyes on the prize.
“I’m not a little girl dreaming of things that aren’t possible. Duke is a catch. Do you know how many girls would die to be his girl?”
“You don’t love him,” she says flatly.
“A lack of love isn’t what keeps me up at night.”
“It should.” Her gaze is tormented and I can’t muster any more words in defense of my choices.
I cradle my suddenly pounding head in my hands and wish I could make this all just stop.
She wraps me in a hug and it’s the sweetest relief. I hug her back.
“There’s a whole world waiting for you…” she whispers in my ear.