Between Now and Heartbreak - Dylan Allen Page 0,101

endless as the blue sky that is always the backdrop of his pictures.

All I saw was that he was off having an adventure while James and I were fighting for our lives. Now, he’s back and trying to step into shoes too big for anyone to fill. But, I don’t have the heart to say any of that.

“That’s nice.” I say sincerely, but it sounds flat even to my own ears. I don’t know how to talk to him. He walks over to the bed and out of the corner of my eye, I can see him gazing at Cameron.

“It’s crazy that those two could make someone so innocent and beautiful.”

“Fiona’s not that bad. She’s been nice to me.” I say, tightening the belt of my robe.

“Uh - can you excuse us,” he says suddenly, and I startle at Serene’s whispered “of course.” I’d forgotten she was in the room.

When the door closes behind her, my scalp tingles and I realize that I’m alone with Phil.

He drops onto the bed, lies down next to Cam and loosens his tie with a long suffering sigh.

“Come here. Let’s talk. For real.”

He pats the spot next to him. My eyes widen in surprise.

“We can talk with me here.” I say from my seat in front of my vanity.

“What? You afraid you’re gonna fall in love with me, too?” he quips.

I’m stunned by his callousness.

“Wow. That was…” I trail off, too shocked by his callous reference to continue.

“That was what? Honest? The elephant in the room?”

I don’t say anything because he’s right.

“You think there’s something wrong with you because you fell in love with a guy you really connected with and found attractive. Who happens to share enough DNA with you to make you siblings. But it doesn’t make him your brother. There’s nothing wrong with you. You have to forgive yourself.”

I have never spoken to him about Carter.

I don’t know if they stay in touch.

I don’t want to know. For the sake of my sanity, I created a spotless space in my brain where thoughts of Carter aren’t allowed. And for the last six months that’s where I’ve dwelled.

The long healed souvenir of the night I indulged my grief, throbs like a phantom reminder of how dangerous it can be do anything else.

I try to pull my fingers out of his hold so that I can rub the ache away from my rib. But he won’t let go.

“You don’t have the right to absolve me of anything.” I tug hard, but he still won’t let go.

“I know I wasn’t there for you or James when it mattered. But I’m here now and, Liz, I love you, and I swear I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. Trust me when I say, Duke — he’s not a good man. I don’t have proof, but there’s something off with him. He smiles a lot, but I know men like him. And they’re not the kind of guy you marry.”

I laugh at his little melodrama.

“What do you know of good men? Are you one?” I ask.

He lets go of my wrists. His face contorts with hurt and flush rises up his cheeks.

“I fucked up, Liz. But, I am a different person now. Leaving here, changed me. I found myself in places I couldn’t have imagined when I living here. You need to go and see these places, too. You’re wasted on this place.”

I sigh. “It’s too late. And it’s not about me. I may be wasted on this place, but that little girl will not grow up alone here like I did.” I point at Cameron.

“I’m back, she won’t be alone.”

“So you say. You’ll understand though, when I say that I don’t believe you.”

He looks wounded.

I don’t feel an ounce of sympathy.

He wants to keep it real.

So, I’m keeping it real. And it feels good - like stretching my legs after sitting on them for too long.

“Her parents are fucked up. She’s going to need someone normal in her life. I’m not going to turn my back on my sister so I can live out some weird fantasy that’s probably not even as great as I’ve imagined. And I’m not mad that you left. I’m mad that you came back. Because you ruined everything the minute you walked through that door. I wish you’d leave.

Then, maybe I could just fucking breathe,” I sob, as I let go of the words that I’ve been biting back since he got here.

His expression is bleak. I can see that I’ve wounded him. But it’s the truth.

“Don’t try to interfere in my personal life again. I hope we can get to know each other again. But I am not the little girl I was when you left. I do not need you.” I say each word with deliberate emphasis.

The sound of footsteps halts our conversation and he glowers at me as one of my father’s bodyguards walks in and saves me from this conversation.

He looks between us and stops mid-stride.

“Uh— is this a bad time?”

“No. He’s leaving. And you’re late,” I snap irritably before I turn and march back into my bathroom.

I close the door and try to catch my breath. That whole conversation felt eerily reminiscent of my fight with James the night I went out with Duke.

Except Phil has no credibility with me. So, why is my heart pounding like this? I clutch my chest and slump down in front of the toilet seat.

I start repeating the mantra I wrote for myself the night Carter left. The one I made myself memorize and say every morning, every afternoon, every evening, like a fucking Hail Mary. I made myself say it until I believed it. Until I breathed it and dreamed it.

This moment is my final destination. Carter and the two summers that brought him into my life were like a traffic jam that made me miss my flight.

But just like in those movies where people have a narrow escape from death, what felt like a reprieve from my fate, turned out to be nothing more than a detour.

Fate always takes her due.

The end of us was inevitable. I meant it when I called him my apocalypse. But, not the kind in movies where everything is destroyed. The biblical kind - where the destruction is really just a clearing away. I’m free from all of the things I used to want. And I’m now focused on the things I have. I’ve stopped looking the gift horse in the mouth and expecting to see gold.

This life, the one I’m starting with Duke, is where I belong.

My stomach heaves and I turn around just in time to empty the contents of it into the toilet.

I lay on the floor, a sad, sweaty shell and fight back the panic that threatens to overwhelm me.

I don’t know what is wrong with me… I thought I was over this.

I don’t let myself think about Carter anymore. But right now, he is all I want.

It’s so wrong. The way I feel. I will never act on it. It would ruin us both and I have responsibilities beyond him.

But God, how I wish I could tell them all to go to hell so I could run off and find the only person who has ever soothed my restless, wicked, raging soul.

It takes me five minutes of meditation and deep breathing to calm down.

But, I do. Because that little girl out there needs me.

I splash water on my face, go back out and get ready to be married.