that year.” I snap, “Not to mention, when you weren’t together, you slept with other girls. So that doesn’t count.”
Ben studies my face and narrows his eyes at me, “You think you are so high and mighty. Don’t tell me I have relationship problems when you’re the one who keeps on dating loser after loser after loser. First it was Donny the pot smoking techie, then it was Will, the prostitute loving sicko, then it was Marco the snobbish dork who may have had a mild case of Autism. Don’t push your pointy little finger at me and place your judgment, because you don’t have shit figured out.”
I gasp and want to slap him, “That is so not true. I so have my shit figured out.”
“Oh really?” Ben sorts out a laugh that sends me into the red zone.
“You are a pig!” I shout, “At least I dated people and had boyfriends. You on the other hand can’t handle more than a one-night stand. I feel sorry for any girl who has fallen victim to your sleazy charm, including myself.”
“Now you’re just being mean.” Ben says and curls his lips in amusement.
He pushes up from the door and takes a step closer in my direction. The closer he creeps, the more my legs begin to tremble, “You’re mean! You slept with my friend Lydia from spin class like eight months ago and never called her back.” I shout.
“What does that have to do with anything?” Ben laughs, “Are you jealous?”
“Of course not” I lie, which seems to come natural to me these days.
“Well I am.” Ben admits and my knees buckle. His dark brown eyes lock with mine as he slowly runs his thumb along my cheek.
“You’re jealous?” my tiny voice squeaks.
“Yeah, I am. I don’t like you hanging out with Steven.” He says with frustration and runs his fingers through his hair.
My heart is pounding in my chest. Ben may have gone through a lot of women in his day, but I have never seen him so vulnerable and sincere. His eyes are desperate and uncertain as he looks at me for a response. I can barely move, let alone let words escape my mouth.
He lets out a sigh, “I know this is confusing and crazy. But right now, this is what I want. I want you.”
I am utterly speechless, but I finally take a deep breath “Exactly. It’s what you want - right now. How do I know you won’t wake up tomorrow and want something else? I know what you’re like when it comes to this kind of thing. I’ve seen it happen over and over again for the past ten years, so why would I risk a sure thing with someone who might actually want the same things as me? What about what I want Ben?”
“You can’t be serious?” He laughs.
“Maybe I am.” I say and spin around to walk into the bathroom.
“Stop playing games with me.” Ben says and follows me in, “I know all your little tricks, your little wants and desires, and I know for a fact that you would never want a house in suburbia playing wife to a doctor and making shortbread cookies for your weekend guests.”
“Maybe I do want those things!” I shout whipping around to face him and feel a single crocodile tear roll down my cheek.
Ben’s face drops in turmoil. He scratches his head and begs me not to cry, but at this point I am too far-gone that I can’t control it. I start sobbing and put my head in my hands. Ben pulls me into his chest and wraps his arms around me.
I am so angry with myself. Why can’t I just tell him how I really feel? Why can’t I say I love him and want to be with him? Why am I so scared? Nothing is making any sense. I can’t believe I admitted to wanting something, like being someone’s wife! What is happening to me? It frightens me how real those wants are, because I never thought I wanted any of that. But maybe I actually do want those things, because I want them with Ben.
I let him hold me as my tears subside. I gently push him away, but he holds my shoulders in a tight grasp. I wipe away the stinging tears, and feel him staring down at me. I feel small and vulnerable, and I don’t like it. Ben leans down and kisses my cheek, then kisses my forehead. He