“I sometimes—” He stopped and cleared the gruffness from his throat. “I’m not always great around people. Not even my own family. When I was a kid, I kept my emotions under lock and key. My mother did so much for us, she didn’t need to be burdened with my fears and frustrations. Not when she had so much to deal with already. Work, Hugh’s needs, and then Vicki started acting out when she was older. She needed to be able to depend on me, you know?”
“I know.”
“I was old enough to understand what it would mean for us if she lost any of her jobs and couldn’t make the rent. We’d all be out on the streets, or worse, the kids and I would have been taken from her.” Charity found it telling how he often referred to his siblings, but not himself, as kids. He really had been old before his time and she found that knowledge more than a little tragic.
“She has no idea,” he continued, unaware of her troubled thoughts. “That I know how many nights she came home and locked herself in the bathroom and cried. I didn’t want her to have to worry about what was happening at home with the kids. I strove to be dependable. Took care of the little ones, got good grades, even though it meant staying up till the early hours studying. I promised myself that one day I’d be successful and my mother would never have to work or worry again.”
“You were. So why don’t you cut yourself some slack once in a while, Miles?”
“I’m afraid…” His voice faded as if he was having second thoughts about what he had been about to say.
“Of?” she prompted him.
“I’m afraid that if I stand still or stop for too long, I’ll lose everything I’ve built. And I won’t be able to take care of them anymore.”
“Do they still need you to take care of them?”
His forehead puckered, and he shook his head abruptly.
“I’m sorry, I’ve been banging on about this for way too long. This was supposed to be a relaxing evening. Tell me about you.” He looked troubled for a second before adding, awkwardly, “You, before everything.”
“Before my marriage you mean?” she asked frankly.
“I didn’t think you’d want to discuss that with me now. Or ever. I mean, it’s up to you if you…shit. Sorry, I told you I’m no good at this.”
“At what?”
“Conversation. Seriously, I’m best in front of a computer, figuring out ways to acquire the companies I want. Working out if they’re worth salvaging or just hacking into pieces and selling off. I’m great with numbers, legalese, seeing the bigger picture. But I leave the interpersonal stuff to my right-hand man, Bryan. I am truly abysmal at peopling.”
She laughed at that.
“You’re doing fine. I have only one sister. Older. Her name is Faith. She has this gorgeous little girl, Grace.” She stopped, finding it harder than she had expected to talk about them. Especially when the pang of yearning and loss in her heart intensified at the thought of them.
“How old is Grace?” His voice was quiet, soothing and perfectly pitched to get her talking again. And he said he was bad at “peopling”. He didn’t seem to know himself very well.
“Five,” she replied, setting aside her half-eaten sandwich and drinking down the last of her milk. “Uh, nearly six. It’s her birthday in a couple of weeks’ time.”
“That’s a great age,” he said, with a smile. “She irritated the ever loving shit out of me at the time, but when I think back now, Vicki was an adorable six-year-old. With her curly mop of black hair and her irrepressible smile and constant questions. She had such a thirst for knowledge. Still does actually. What is Grace like?"
“I haven’t seen her in a while. Not since she was three. I mean we skype but…that’s not the same is it? She doesn’t have the patience to sit and talk to this stranger on the computer. She knows me, but, not really.”
“Do you have any pictures?”
She nodded and reached into the front pouch of her hoodie for her phone. She didn’t even know why she had it on her, she rarely received any calls or messages.
She flicked through her photo album and found a picture of her niece. Grace was wearing a pink tutu, fairy wings, and mismatched Wellingtons. She was grinning widely at whomever was taking the picture.