to mine brings a small smile to me. Past all of his annoying, challenging ways is a deeply messed up man, who drinks, fucks and has had himself whipped to punish himself. I'm a huge contributing factor to his sorry state, but if it's as he says and he punished himself because he thinks he deserves it, that everything happening is because of his past, then I may as well lock myself up in a glass case for the rest of my life.
I watch as his eyelids flicker and slowly open, blinking a few times before he focuses in on me. I can see from the ticking of his minds cogs that his pre-awake brain is being flooded with information and reminders that will bring him back up to speed with where we are and why. It takes a few silent moments, but he eventually sighs and inches himself closer to me until we are nose to nose, him on his side and me still on my front. I don't feel close enough. I pull my arms from under the pillow and shift myself on a few winces until I'm on my side reflecting him. His hand rests on my hip to steady me and he moves closer still, his body pressed to the front of mine, our noses touching again.
'It is possible.' I whisper through the incredible dryness of my throat. 'To understand how you feel about me, it is possible.'
'You did this to yourself to prove you love me?'
'No, you know I love you. I did it to show you what it feels like.'
His brow furrows deeply. 'I don't understand. I know what it feels like to be whipped.'
'I don't mean that. I mean the agony of seeing the man I love hurting himself.' I bring my hand up and stroke his stubble, and I see him begin to grasp my point. 'Nothing will ever hurt me as much as seeing you doing that to yourself. That will kill me, nothing else. If you punish yourself again, then I will too.' My voice is slightly shaky just at the thought of ever having to face another day like yesterday. I've just threatened him and if he loves me like he claims he does, then my request should be a very easy one for him to fulfil.
His eyes dart around a bit and he chews his lip as he starts shaking his head ever so faintly. His eyes fall back onto mine. 'You love me.'
'I need you. I need you strong and healthy. I need you to understand how much I love you. I need you to know that I can't be without you either. I would die before losing you too.'
He shakes his head. 'I don't deserve you, Ava. Not after the life I've lived. I've never had anything I've valued or wanted to protect. Now I have, and it's a bizarre mixture of total happiness and complete fucking fear.' His eyes scan every inch of my face. 'I filled an empty existence with drink and women. I've never cared. I've hurt the most precious thing in my life and I can't cope with that.'
'I've made you like this.'
His frown line slips onto his forehead, but he doesn't argue with my statement. I have made him like this. 'I crave control with you, Ava. I can't help it. I really can't.'
'I know.' I sigh, 'I know you can't.' I move into his chest and soak up his heat. For once, I feel like I completely understand him. He's had an irrepressible existence - a life of not caring, of unfeeling and complete disorder. He doesn't know what to do with all of this new found emotion.
'You're hurting because of me.' he says into my hair.
'And you are because of me.' I affirm, harshly. 'We deal with the past. As long as I have you, the strong you, then we deal with it. It's not your history that is hurting me. It's you. The things you are doing now.' I'm aware of my mind pointing out that I've been struggling to deal with Jesse's past, but that is just raging jealously, not heart splintering pain. I have to learn to deal with it.
I'm pulled from his chest. His eyes are glazed, his chin trembling. 'You're crazy mad.' he says softly, pushing his lips to mine 'Crazy, crazy mad.'
I welcome his soft lips onto mine. It's about the only part of me I can move without pain slicing me. 'I'm