Beauty in Ashes (Phoenix Rising #7)- Harper Wylde Page 0,97

of power, mythologicals sitting next to animal shifters, all with an equal vote and say. For the first few months, it’d been easy to throw myself into my work, wearing myself ragged rebuilding our world until extreme exhaustion claimed me at the end of each day, dragging me under into the only world where Nix still existed—in my dreams. Now that things were functioning more smoothly, however, it was getting harder to fill my time each day, to work myself into the blind exhaustion I needed to forget, to keep the mask painted on my face so no one could see me crack.

“This one’s for you, sweetheart,” I whispered, staring at the page before placing it back on my desk.

The sound of construction on our third wave of housing filled the air outside my window, and I wondered if any of my brothers would claim one for their own. It had been months since we’d spoken, let alone seen each other. Seeing them hurt too fucking much. The guilt I felt at letting Nix fight that day was overwhelming. I couldn’t look into their faces. I couldn’t read their minds and shoulder their pain when I was barely breathing on my own. I had erected walls around our mental link the moment I realized what had happened, closing it off the way I had promised her I wouldn’t, but the pain was just too much.

I dragged in a ragged breath and tried to wall off my emotions just like I’d walled off my thoughts and those of others.

Numbing myself was the only way I got through my day intact.

Picking up the prewrapped sandwich, I opened it and crinkled my nose, sniffing it before testing a bite that ended up going straight in the trash can. I missed good food, but I could barely taste it these days, and I couldn’t bring myself to make the effort. Being in the kitchen without Nix felt wrong. Empty. Pointless.

What was left of my heart squeezed in my chest, the pain of loss reminding me I was still living. If you could call this a life.

A knock on my door startled me out of my grief, and I glanced up to see Ciarán and Rini standing in my doorway.

I shook my head. “I’m not really up for visitors.”

“Well, that’s just too damn bad,” Rini grumbled as she stormed into my office. Ciarán grabbed her arm gently and tsked.

“Remember, sweetie, I said play nice,” Ciarán teased tenderly.

“This is me being nice.” She yanked her arm out of her mate’s hold, and he chuckled while holding up his hands in the universal sign of surrender.

“What can I do for you?” I prompted, hoping to move this along. Seeing them together fucking hurt, and as much as I didn’t want to be angry with my friends for having a thriving relationship, I was angry I no longer had what they had.

We were supposed to have years. Forever. We’d promised each other eternity. We’d made the vow. And it hadn’t changed a thing—she was still gone.

“This isn’t living, Damien,” Rini chastised, waving her arms around the office as though I couldn’t see it for myself. “When was the last time you ate? Or showered? Or saw the sunlight other than out your office window?”

“I’m still here, Rini, so I’d say I’m doing just fine,” I snarked, an unwilling participant in this conversation.

“She wouldn’t want to see you like this.” Rini’s feminine voice softened, and I wanted to close my eyes and wait to hear Nix’s beside it.

I kept them open.

“She’s not here, Rini.” I choked the words out through a tight throat. “Or haven’t you noticed she’s dead?”

“She might be gone physically, Damien,” Rini said, “but that doesn’t mean Nix is gone.”

“Have you found something?” I sat up straighter, my hands gripping the edge of my desk. Hope sparked in my chest, the first warmth I’d felt in five agonizing months. “I heard Theo asked you to search, is she—”

Ciarán shook his head, smothering the flicker of hope before it’d ever taken hold, and held up his hand, stepping lithely toward my desk. “No. What remains of Nix’s soul lives on through you and your brothers. Mates’ souls are a reflection of each other, and she’s marked you as her own.”

Emotion clogged my throat, and I turned my head, blinking as my heart turned to ice in my chest.

“Why haven’t you seen them, Damien? You know they always look to you and Theo. They need you, D, and