abuse me, Matteo,” I said gently, pulling from his embrace. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. “I’ve consented to everything we’ve done. And I’ll consent to everything we do in the future.”
“Please promise me you will use your safeword. No matter what. Promise me.”
“I promise.” But I didn’t like the sound of the desperation in his voice. “What happened?”
“You having a hard time laughing and smiling bothers me. I find the need to rip apart whoever hurt you in the past. I need to destroy them. I want…I want to kill them for what they did to you.” Matteo said all the while staring straight ahead, looking off into the distance.
His confession surprised me. The attack was so long ago and I tried so hard to forget. But those eyes, the feel of the rough hands on my body, the grunts of pleasure and screams of pain…I would never forget. No matter how many times I tried, my past would always remain with me. My demons. My nightmares. They were the ultimate Sadist. Destroying my sanity piece by piece. If only Matteo knew what he was getting himself into. If he did, I was sure he wouldn’t want me anymore.
Matteo
Never once in my life had I made love to a woman. My father had taught me at a young age that women were holes to fuck. Nothing more. Nothing less. After my mother died, even though it was when I was born, I learned fast that my father would never love again. Losing his wife destroyed him. I had heard from people who knew him at a time when he was happy, that he was never a womanizer. He fell in love with my mother. Worshiped the ground she walked on. Gave her everything and more. When she died due to complications during her labor, my father became power hungry. He closed off his heart, never trusting and loving again. He treated me like one of his associates. Refusing to give me the love a child deserved. I knew he loved me in his own way but never once did he show it. The only time I felt remotely close to him was when he taught me about women. How to please them. How to give them everything they craved. He used them to his advantage, not caring in the least if they got off.
But I was different. I craved pain at such a young age but I needed to administer it more. And I learned the hard way just how sadistic those desires went.
Mae was curled up on her side, her head in my lap, her breathing deep and even while she slept. If only I could sleep. I would go to bed, close my eyes, fall into a place where I had no control and then the nightmares started. Whips. Chains. Agonizing pain. Even though it was years ago, I could still feel, smell, see, everything that had happened.
I couldn’t help but wonder what it was like to sleep. To fall into that deep REM where you woke with the satisfied and well-rested feeling.
Letting out a heavy sigh, I brushed a hand down Mae’s cheek. “So beautiful,” I whispered.
She stirred, looking up at me and stifled a yawn. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“It’s quite alright.” I smiled.
Mae sat up and stretched, before turning back to me. “Are you okay?”
I searched her face, a tingle of unease gripping my spine. Was I okay? Would I ever be okay again? I was a fucking psychologist. I listened to people speak. Diagnosed them with whatever condition they had. But I had no fucking idea how to deal with my own issues. “Yeah.”
Her brows narrowed. “Do I get to deny you an orgasm for lying to me?”
My dick jumped. Holy fucking hell. “No,” I ground out.
She nodded. “Didn’t think so.” She rung her hands in her lap, chewing her bottom lip. “Are we okay?”
“Of course.” Weren’t we?
“I know we have to talk about…I …I want to reassure you that I’m not upset with you over last night.”
“It still wasn’t right. I’m a Sadist but I don’t get off on punishing you. It probably bothers me more than it bothers you.” Through my years of experience, I had heard that happening between other Dom’s and subs. Most subs were understanding, taking whatever their Dom’s had to give them. But it was the Dom’s who got hurt in the end.